Quote: “The Morning Post, 3 May 1785, comments that, ‘there are two descriptions of persons who visit the Royal Academy, some perambulate the rooms to view the heads, others remain at the bottom of the stairs to contemplate the legs.’ While the World, Fashionable Advertiser, 8 May 1787, notes that, ‘Exhibitions are now the rage and though some may have more merit, yet certainly none has so much attraction as that at Somerset House; for, besides the exhibition of pictures living and inanimate, there is the raree-show [peep show] of neat ankles up the stair-case, which is not less inviting.’”

The image above is a detail from Thomas Rowlandson’s The Exhibition Stare c. 1811, which caricatured all the excitement of this “attraction.”

Case 123

Here we have a fetish which is wholly benign, strangely poetic, and really, to be envied.

“B., thirty years of age, apparently untainted, refined and sensitive; great lover of flowers; liked to kiss them, but without any sensual motive or sensual excitement; of a rather frigid nature; before twenty-one did not practice masturbation, and subsequently only for periods of time. At twenty-one he was introduced to a young lady who wore some large roses on her bosom. Since then large roses had dominated his sexual feelings. He incessantly bought roses; kissing them would produce erection. He took roses to bed with him, although he never touched his genitals with them. His pollutions, henceforth, were accompanied by dreams of roses. He dreamt of roses that had fairy-like beauty; when he inhaled their fragrance, he ejaculated.”

Ah yes. Imagine if it were all so simple… You could work at a flower shop, with the ultimate goal of one day gaining employment at some fine botanical gardens somewhere, and at night you could return home to do a little “tending” to your own prized rose bushes.

Case 88

Here we have a story full of pathos, sweaty gymnasiums, fetishistic desire, odd naiveté, brash artistic license, chance encounters, arrests, and ultimately, as with so many human dramas, failure. And all this encapsulated in one very dry, very short, clinical paragraph. 

“X., aged thirty four, teacher in the gymnasium. In childhood he suffered from convulsions. At age ten he began to masturbate, with lustful feelings, which were connected with very strange ideas. He was particularly partial to women’s eyes; but because he wished to imagine some form of coitus, and was absolutely innocent in sexual matters, he evolved the idea of making the nostrils the seat of the female sexual organs in order to avoid too great a separation from the eyes. His vivid sexual desires then revolved around this idea. He sketched drawings representing correct greek profiles of female heads, but the nostrils were so large that insertion of the penis would have been possible. One day, in an omnibus, he saw a girl in whom he thought he recognized his ideal. He followed her to her home and immediately proposed to her. Shown the door, he returned again and again, until arrested. X never had sexual intercourse.”

So tragic. Nose-craving, eye-adoring, virgin man, we feel your pain… As an afterward to this case the Richard Von Krafft-Ebing M.D. offers us this little nugget :

“Nose fetishism is seldom encountered. The following rare bit of poetry comes to me from England-

O sweet and pretty little nose, so charming unto me;
O were I but the sweetest rose, I’d give my scent to thee.
O make it full with honey sweet, that I may suck it all;
T’would be for me the greatest treat, a real festival.
How sweet and how nutritious your darling nose does seem.
It would be more delicious, than strawberries and cream.”

Uh… Yeah.

Case 98

Here we have a case which, by today’s standards, hardly seems deviant at all, more like a pilot script for a sitcom. It’s marital bliss… with a tiny catch!

“A lady told Dr. Gemy that on her wedding night and the night that followed, her husband contented himself with kissing her, and running his fingers through her wealth of tresses. He then fell asleep. On the third night, Mr. X. produced an immense wig, with abundant long hair, and begged his wife to put it on. As soon as she had done so, he richly compensated her for his neglected marital duties. In the morning he again showed extreme tenderness while he caressed the wig. When Mrs X. removed the wig, she at once lost all charm to her husband. Mrs X. recognized this as a hobby, and readily yielded to the wishes of her husband, whom she loved dearly, and whose libido depended upon the wearing of the wig. It was remarkable, however, that a particular wig had the desired effect for only a fortnight or three weeks time. It had to be made of thick, long hair, but its color was unimportant. The result of this marriage, after five years, was two children and a collection of seventy two wigs.”

Comming this fall to FOX. Wiggin’ Out! “Married life can be a hairy sittuation!” Filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Case 99

Here we have a variation on the theme of the previous case.

“X., aged twenty, inverted sexually. Only loved men with large bushy mustaches. One day he met a man who was his ideal. He invited him to his home, but was unspeakably disappointed when the man removed an artificial mustache. Only when the visitor returned the ornament to his upper lip did he exercise his charm over X. once more and restored X. to complete virility.”

Ah yes, those dreaded artificial mustaches! X. must have been quite disappointed. I mean what are the odds of a man with a mustache-fetish just happening to pick up a man with a fake mustache?! Of course, if an artificial stache was good enough to fool X’s “sexually inverted” senses, why didn’t he just carry a nice bushy one around in his pocket (b.y.o.m.)? Hell, why not buy an artificial mustache factory and get to work Tom Sellecking the world? Crazy bastards, we humans. 

Case 225

Here we have a case which falls under the “theft dependent on fetishism” heading. By way of lead in Krafft-Ebing offers the following- Pathological fetishism may become the cause of crimes. As such hair despoiling, robbery or theft of women’s linen, handkerchiefs, aprons, shoes, and silks are now recognized (as crimes). It cannot be doubted that such individuals are the subject of deep mental taint…

“P., laborer, aged twenty nine. Family heavily tainted. Emotional, irritable; had masturbated since childhood. At ten years old saw a boy masturbate into a woman’s handkerchief. This gave direction to P’s sex life. He stole handkerchiefs from pretty girls and masturbated into them. His mother tried every means to break him of this habit. She admonished him, took the stolen handkerchiefs away and bought him new ones, all in vain. He was caught by the police and punished for theft. He then went to Africa and served in the army with an excellent record. On his return to France he resumed his old practices. He was only potent if a prostitute held a white handkerchief in her hand during the act. He married in 1894 and sustained his virility by grasping a handkerchief during coitus.

The fetishistic crisis always came suddenly, like a paroxysm, especially at moments of laziness. He would feel out of sorts, psychically moody, sexually excited, and impelled to masturbate. Soon the fantasy image of a handkerchief would appear and take full possession of his thoughts and feelings. If he then caught sight of a woman’s handkerchief he would choke with fear, palpitation of the heart would set in, he would tremble, and profuse perspiration would break out all over his body. Although conscious of the risk involved, he was irresistibly forced to steal the handkerchief. He was arrested on one such occasion, but the examining physician declared him irresponsible. During the time of detention he was free of his obsession. He hoped to master his weakness in the future. He estimated that he had stolen one hundred handkerchiefs. He used each handkerchief only once, then threw it away.”

He used each handkerchief only once, then threw it away? Stingy uncaring bastard! Didn’t he realize there were men even worse off than he who could only attain potency when wrapping their members in stolen women’s handkerchiefs which had already been ejaculated into by loony ex-cons who’d served with the army in Africa and whose names began with the letter P?!

Case 116

Here we have a case filed under the “pathological erotic fetishism” heading-

“L, aged thirty seven, clerk, from a tainted family. At five years old, he had his first erection when he saw his bedfellow -an aged relative- put on his nightcap. The same thing occurred later when he saw an old servant put on her nightcap. Later, simply the idea of an old ugly woman’s head covered with a nightcap, was sufficient to cause an erection. The sight of a cap, or a naked woman or man alone made no impression, but the mere touch of a nightcap induced erection, and sometimes even ejaculation. L. was not a masturbator, and had never been sexually active until his thirty second year, when he married a young girl with whom he had fallen in love. On his wedding night he remained cold until, from necessity, he brought to his aid the memory-picture of an ugly woman’s head with a nightcap. Coitus was immediately successful. Thereafter it was always necessary for him to use this method. From childhood he had been subject to attacks of depression, with suicidal tendencies, and occasional frightful hallucinations at night. When looking out a window he became dizzy and anxious. He was a perverse, peculiar, and easily embarrassed man of bad mental constitution.

In this very peculiar case, the simultaneous coincidence of the first sexual reference and an absolutely heterogeneous impression seems to have determined association.

A related case of accidental associative fetishism which is quite peculiar, is that of a married man, aged thirty, who in other respects, was physically and mentally healthy, who is said to have suddenly lost his sexual power after moving into another house, and to have regained it as soon as the furniture of the bedroom had been arranged as before.”

I must say that the thought our sexual proclivities are so radically influenced by the random occurrences of early childhood is horrific. Perhaps it’s a good thing that the internet serves up every manner of sexual fodder to the youngsters. Better to see straight away that there is a whole universe of degradation and kink and perversity to explore, and grow bored of, than getting obsessively fixated on your grandma’s bunions or a playmate’s soiled diaper or whatever. Sheesh.

Case 95

Here we have a case in which a gentleman named Z struggles mightily with a very “particular” fetish.

“Z., gentleman, family tainted. Even in early childhood he always felt great sympathy with the lame and crippled. He used to limp about the room on two brooms in lieu of crutches or, when observed, go limping about the streets: at the same time, however, no sexual significance was coupled with the idea. Gradually, the thought supervened that he would like “as a pretty lame child” to meet a pretty girl who would express sympathy for his affliction. Sympathy from men he disdained. Z. was brought up in a rich man’s house by a private tutor, and claimed that up to his twentieth year he was unaware of the differences between sexes. His feelings were confined to the idea of being pitied by a pretty girl for being lame, or extending the same sympathy to a lame girl himself. Gradually, erotic emotions associated themselves with this fantasy and at the age of twenty he succumbed to temptation and masturbated for the first time. From then on he practiced this act often. Sexual neurasthenia supervened and an irritable weakness took hold of him, to such an extent that the very sight of a girl with a halting gait induced ejaculation.

When masturbating, or in his erotic dreams, the idea of the limping girls was always the controlling element. The personality of the limping girl was a matter of indifference to Z., his interest being solely centered on the limping foot. He never had coitus with a girl thus afflicted. He never had the inclination for it and did not think he could be potent under the circumstances. His perverse fantasies revolved only around masturbating against the foot of a lame female. At times he anchored his hope on the thought that he might succeed in winning and marrying a chaste lame girl; that, because of his love for her, she would take pity on him and free him of his crime by ‘transferring his love from the sole of her foot to the root of her soul.’ He sought deliverance in this thought. His present existence was one of untold misery.”

Happy story that. Though if you change a few of the words here and there sounds like it could be any average 21st century guy-

The personality of the girl was a matter of indifference to Z., his interest being solely centered on her [fill in blank].

See what I mean?

I must say also, in regards to this case, that the sentence “transferring his love from the sole of her foot to the root of her soul,” words which had surely never been laid down in exactly that order, in any language, before this book’s publication, is worth the price of admission all by itself.

(The thumbnail was adapted from an image on Susan Hagen’s wood carvings page.)

Case 96

Here we have a variation on the theme of the previous case.

“Mr. V., aged thirty, civil servant; parents neuropathic. From the age of seven he had, for many years, a lame girl of the same age as a playmate. At the age of twelve, nervously disposed and heterosexually inclined, the boy began to masturbate spontaneously. At that time puberty set in, and undoubtedly the first sexual emotions toward the other sex coincided with the sight of a lame girl. Subsequently only limping women excited him sexually. His fetish was a pretty lady who, like the companion of his childhood, limped with the left foot. Always heterosexual, but abnormally sensual, he promptly sought relations with the opposite sex, but was absolutely impotent with women who were not lame. Virility and gratification were most strongly elicited if the prostitute limped with the left foot, but he was also successful if the lameness was on the right foot. Due to his fetishism, the opportunities for coitus seldom occurred, so he resorted to masturbation, but found it a disgusting and miserable substitute. His sexual anomaly rendered him very unhappy, and he was often close to committing suicide, but regard for his parents prevented him. This moral affliction culminated in the desire for marriage with a sympathetic lame lady. Unfortunately, because he could not love the soul of such a wife, but only her defect of lameness, he considered such a union a profanation of matrimony and an unbearable, ignoble existence. On this account he had often thought of resignation and castration.”

I can’t help but be in awe of this sentence in particular- “Virility and gratification were most strongly elicited if the prostitute limped with the left foot, but he was also successful if the lameness was on the right foot.” The analytical and scientific thoroughness of our tortured and miserable Mr. V. for being thoughtful enough to test this particular hypothesis is brilliant. “Please try limping on your right foot now Ms. Prostitute… in the interest of science of course.”

As to the case in particular- Poor Mr. V., the silly bastard. Not too bright was he? Any self respecting man of the 19th Century would have married a nice perfectly “intact” girl and then paid a carriage driver to run over her foot just before they made it to the honeymoon suite. Castration? Uh, I think not.

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So there you have it. A tiny porthole into the steamy underpants of the 19th century. Hope you enjoyed.

Evidently in 2006 Kino released a film which dramatizes many of the cases in Psychopathia Sexualis, though judging by the trailers they focussed on much of the darker material.

Note: This post was one in a series of reworkings of old posts which date from before the redesign of The Nonist. The text has been combined from 6 prior posts and reworked. The images are also updated. I will be periodically adding these reworkings into the flow of new content in an effort to eventually remove all the old pages from circulation.

As it turns out Google’s patent search returns endless examples of inventions aimed squarely at our erogenous zones. Some are amusing because of their necessary dryness in dealing with sexual activity, some because of their intended function, some because of their titles, some because of their illustrations, some because of their crazy complexity, some (especially the older ones) because of their sex-denying futility, and some just because you can’t help but imagine the illustrator or patent reviewer themselves smirking at having to give serious professional consideration to these items.

I flagged over 60 inventions “of interest” in under an hour and had to stop myself as not to get sucked any further into the seeming endlessness of it all. I’ve taken the liberty of reproducing a small portion of what I came across here for your consideration (in no particular order). Not all are amusing exactly, but they’re all certainly worth a gander.

An improved hands-free adult sexual apparatus or adult toy for use by women or men. The apparatus is secured onto the user, or the user’s clothing or belt, in a harness-like assembly and is also partially restrained to a fixed object. In one embodiment, a dildo or other phallic device is secured to a supportive backing while elastic straps allow the user to comfortably utilize the invention. In another embodiment, the invention has instead a sheathing device for use by males.

A variable speed motor powering a crankshaft driven sealed transducer producing pneumatically induced reciprocating motion of a receiver when a male organ is inserted. The present invention employs a hermetic system to prevent loss of synchronization. The receiver is designed with an inner liner compliant enough to accommodate a plurality of sizes and shapes of male penises. The present invention produces a stroke of approximately 3 inches at a frequency of up to 350 per minute.

A jacket for developing a woman’s breasts having an inner and outer ply of fabric suspended from the shoulders and covering the chest. The inner ply is distensible relative to the outer ply. Warm water is circulated between the plies and causes the inner ply to distend and conform to the contour of the wearer’s breasts. The circulation of warm water around the breasts enlarges the arteries and veins therein, by increasing blood circulation, and also causes the storage of fat tissue in the heated area.

A chair for the therapeutic treatment of the uterus and anus by means of an electrically-charged stream of fluid in either liquid or vapor form. The seat of the chair is provided with a recess through which a pipe, terminating with a nozzle, may be placed from beneath. The said pipe, which is connected to a suitable rubber pipe and cock, is designed for introducing a fluid stream within the genitals or anus.

An erotic stimulator in the form of a tongue. The stimulator comprises a flexible, elongated member having a mouthpiece at its base end whereby a user can manipulate the stimulator while leaving the hands free during gynecological stimulation with the device. The device has a plurality of raised projections on its surface to provide enhanced stimulation to the more sensitive areas of the female anatomy.

A contraceptive device worn by men as an article of clothing which, when worn, causes a man’s scrotum to be raised in temperature above its normal body heat, rendering the man sterile on a temporary basis, that is, as long as he wears the device.

An intra-vaginal anti-rape device. The invention is made of a flexible metal rim containing within its circumference plastic, triangular, pointed, curved spears, which move only inward. Attached to the rim is a thin, hollow, rubber pocket, reinforced in a cage-like manner with heavier rubber. It is inserted into the vagina by the woman wearing it by folding the pocket lengthwise and pushing it into the vaginal cavity. A woman can pry either lip with a thumbnail or fingernail and draw the invention out of the vagina. It is disposable. It can be worn for a few hours or all night.

A two piece pliable, edible, flavored mouthpiece (including a through-hole adjacent to a center portion of the front of the teeth, for allowing at least a portion of a body part and a body fluid to pass there-through) to be worn by one consenting adult performing oral sexual activities such as cunnilingus and fellatio, and the like, on another consenting adult. The mouthpiece can be formed from pliable flavored edible materials such as but not limited to starch jellied candies, gelatin candy (i.e. Gummy Bear™), starch gelatin, licorice, chewing gum, and the like.

A device to facilitate interpersonal stimulation pursuant to the practice of cunnilingus during sexual foreplay includes two main portions: a half conical shaped trough section to accommodate the tongue of one party and a generally egg shaped or oval shaped surfaced section which is inserted in a body orifice of another party. A crosspiece at the outer end of the trough enables the chin of one party to urge the end of the device deeper into a body orifice.

A loose fitting male condom which is held in place by a simple, yet reliable closure. The closure can be a continuous elastic band or a fastening strip. The loose fit makes application and removal easier, and during intercourse increases sensation for the wearer. The closure provides a seal at the base of the penis to protect from disease and pregnancy resulting from fluid leakage, and if suitably tight, can prolong erections. 

A method of sharing erotic experiences includes providing a building with a number of compartments, entertainment viewable from inside the compartments and surround sound music audible throughout the building, participants entering the building and go to the compartments, starting the entertainment at a proscribed time, and turning on the power from a central control booth at a proscribed time to a stimulation device for sexual pleasure found in each of the compartments. The facilities are such that sounds from the participants are transferred between the compartments, such that couples or individuals in one compartment can hear others in the building also experiencing intense sexual pleasure. The individual compartments may further contain a whirlpool tub with jets starting at a proscribed time. Importantly, security is provided to maintain order in the building, and regular cleaning and sanitation

An apparatus for facilitating sexual relations with minimum movement by suspending a partner at controllable parallel and spaced apart relationship with respect to another partner resting on a flat cushioned surface. A cable assembly with several cables are cooperatively tied at one end to the suspended platform supporting one of the partners and the other end wound by spool members included in a motorized spool assembly. The activation of the motorized spool assembly brings the platform up and down. A reciprocating movement is also applied to the suspended platform, and all of these movements are controlled by a circuit that includes hard-wired or remote inputs.

A piston driven artificial penis. A pump supplies a fluid under pressure to move the piston rod in an extending direction. An enclosure having an outer shape of a penis encloses the cylinder and the end of the piston rod. The enclosure has an initial position when the pump is released and an extended position when the pump is actuated. The telescoping action is driven by a bellows with a mouth piece for blowing air into said bellows.

A novelty pillow comprising a pillow base structure, a front surface and a back surface, at least one slit opening in at least one surface, a cavity recessed in the base structure below the slit, at least one phallic member extendable from the cavity out through the slit and indicia for conveying predetermined messages.

Sleeve to be worn on the scrotum to hold the testicles downwardly in their natural position, and thereby have a rejuvenating effect and improve their function. Further objects of the invention are to prevent squeezing of the scrotum when the wearer sits or crosses his legs, and to add comfort to the wearer and prevent shock of chill in cold weather.

Surgical appliance for absolutely preventing any attempt at masturbation by males, especially the insane.

A piece of jewelry designed to adorn and decorate the pelvic region of a human female. The piece of jewelry comprises an anchor member which is worn within the vagina, a decorative charm and a connecting chain long enough to permit the decorative charm to lie outside the labia comfortably. The piece of jewelry is also an ornamental device which provides the wearer a means to exercise her pubococcygeus muscle.

A condom including three layers, first and third layers which are of elastomeric material with a second layer sandwiched between the first and third layers including a colorless, air sensitive material. When the colorless, air sensitive material is exposed to air because of a rupture in said first or third layers of said condom, the colorless, air sensitive material changes color to alert the user that the integrity of the condom is compromised.

A guard adapted to prevent the bed clothing from coming in contact with the generative organs of a man’s body while asleep or when lying at rest, particularly those afflicted with spermatorrhea; it being well known that in aggravated cases the warmth of the bed clothing against such parts, and particularly friction of the clothing, produces seminal emissions, a cure of which can only be effected by preventing the causes.

An electrically conductive condom comprising a thin, protective sheath having an open end for receiving a penis therein and an opposite closed end, said sheath being made from an elastic, electrically conductive material, which passes electrical energy there-through, for increasing sensitivity with respect to adjacent nerve endings of at least one of a penis and a vagina of a human body.

A force-sensitive sound-playing condom which plays a melody or voiced message when, during intercourse, the contacts of the sound-playing unit are closed and the transducer is activated.

A “Y” shaped tubular apparatus with each of the three arms of the apparatus containing a flexible member. The apparatus is both extendable in width and length with each arm rotatably adjustable and affixed at two ends with adjustable cuffs for securing the apparatus to the user at the ankles. One end of the extendable arm is capable of quick adaptation to a variety of intravaginal appliances.




So? Genius? Lunacy? Comedy? Tragedy? Much needed improvements? Fiascos waiting to happen? You and your private parts can decide.

Hope you enjoyed.

Below are reproduced a few fine examples from Sins of America. But be ready.

You’ll laugh!

You’ll groan!

You’ll be outraged!

You’ll drink more heavily!

You’ll feel a tingling sensation in unmentionable areas of your person!

 


In short goodly reader… you’re pretty much sure to enjoy, sporting folk you are.

For more info on The National Police Gazette check out the following:

A Little Visit to the Lower Depths, by Gene Smith
The National Police Gazette at Everything2
The Sporting Life, at The Intimate Bachelor

To see how the Gazette eventually ended up see:

Cover Girls of WWII
Bad Mags
And the a modern, online version Here

Expect a follow-up with more. Hope you enjoyed.

Looking back on the visual legacy of the American Eugenics movement is quite fascinating. Aside from the historical photographs (always of interest) you are faced with a seemingly endless array of statistical data, a prospect which you’d intuit to be a rather dry affair. In looking, however, you find yourself alternately offended, amused, repulsed, empathic, and generally engaged. When was the last time a powerpoint pie chart made you uncomfortable or the bar graph in the margins of a trade magazine pissed you off?

The lingering power in much of the Eugenics material can be attributed to the fact it was aimed at a “general” audience. A large swath of it was created in an effort to sway the general populace toward its position. In as much there is often a strange marriage of dispassionate math with the visual language of tabloid journalism. The result being a surprising kind of statistical provocation that feels more akin to propaganda than science.

The diagrams and brochures and flash cards, meanwhile, which were not necessarily designed for public consumption, having been drawn up in a time well before our current notions of political correctness, seem to jump off the page in their bluntness, challenging our accepted decorum. In other cases the notions of heredity being explored, in this age prior to advances in genetic research, often juxtapose traits and classifications which illicit involuntary guffaws.

In few cases are the materials simply bland.

At bottom I’d say this is because the materials are always focussed on the one subject we, none of us, can ignore, which we all have opinions and ideas about- ourselves. Our favorite subject, and by extension our second favorite subject as well, how others are different from ourselves.

In any case having come across the mother load of visual material that is The Eugenics Archive I thought I’d draw your attention to just a few representative items in their collection for your offense, amusement, repulsion and engagement-

At this point, so many years later, these items fascinate not particularly because of the data they convey but because of their method of conveyance- surely a failing from a statistical standpoint, but not from an ideological one. Which it could be argued was really the whole aim of the enterprise anyway. They sure push all the age old buttons don’t they? The same ones which our politicians and ideologues, not coincidentally, are still pushing.

Taken on the whole, with the parade of references to insanity, albinism, neurosis, sex crimes, feeblemindedness, gigantism, larceny, “pauperism,” schizophrenia, “idiocy,” achondroplasia, promiscuity, murder, epilepsy, hypertrichosis, and “natural ventriloqual power,” immersion for any period of time in these materials makes you feel as though you were wandering through an Hieronymus Bosch painting. ‘Course, I always thought Bosch had an almost preternatural talent for capturing the reality of humanity in his fantasy, so perhaps that’s as it should be.

Hope you… enjoyed?

Further description: The gold false cuvette opening to reveal the erotic scene of an African woman wearing pearls and a man with a dog at his heels. The polychrome enamel figures engaged in an amorous encounter spring to life when the repeat mechanism is activated. Anonymous Swiss. Circa 1900.

Oh to be a human of any epoch! Brilliant I tells ya. Brilliant.

(Found on Antique-watch.com. Also: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10)

That last part is what’s interesting. In finding a planet around a star so old and far along its path to red-gianthood, a first, the implication is a glimmer of hope for our own planet’s survival, 5 billion years or so from now when we will shake hands with our own red giant, Sol 2.0. Of course, “survival” in this context is a silly sort of word because though the actual ground beneath our feet might not be vaporized and molecularly mingled with our sun, there won’t be any feet at that point to appreciate the solid footing. Which is simply to say there wont be any “survivors” in terms of life as we know it. 

I can hear you asking- “If our civilization is headed for a nasty and ultimately fatal sunburn regardless then why exactly are the implications so interesting? Scorched rock floating through empty space beholden to cold dispassionate forces for near eternity is interesting? Further more,” You continue, a bit snarkily for my liking, “If there is no mind left to be interested then surely the term ‘interesting’ ceases to apply?”

True enough that we won’t be around to see how it shakes out, but honestly… do you think we’ll be around 5 billion years from now, red-giant or no? Hahaha. Fat chance. In any case it’s not the prospect of human survival on a scorched Earth which interests me… quite the opposite. These observations essentially hint at a possible second option for our eternal rest. Previously cremation was the only game in town, now we have the prospect of burial as well.

Personally, in terms of my own meat-sack, I will opt for, nay, insist on, cremation. But for the remains of human civilization at large I think the prospect of burial is a happy one, and for a couple of reasons-

1) “Life” does not equal “humanity.” Extremophiles may yet survive on a scorched Earth, and perhaps long enough even to evolve convertibles and ray-bans and sun-block.

2) It would be a damn shame if another race of sentient beings, blind to their own origins and terrified at the apparent lifelessness of space, caught some lingering radio signals and came looking for the source, only to find a big fat nothing. They might be tempted to attribute C-span broadcasts and Who’s the Boss re-runs to the lips of Gods. That at least, I’d like to spare them.

The truth is attaching significance to a mortal life is difficult enough, to your own tiny place in a mortal civilization even more so. But finding a way to soldier on when you know every last scrap of evidence that humanity ever existed will be vaporized? Well that’s just fucking unreasonable.

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P.S. the image which accompanies this post was adapted from the first plate of The Outline of Science, A Plain Story Simply Told from 1922, which is available at Gutenberg.org