Whilst looking over some traffic statistics for thenonist.com I had an interesting realization. It seems that in the time that I’ve been using my current statistical analysis tools, a span of roughly 2 years, The Nonist has welcomed at least 1 visitor from all but 8 countries on planet Earth.
Now, The Nonist has existed in one form or another since 2003 so I could take solace in the thought that in those 3 dark years of missing statistical data The Nonist may have received visitors from one or all 8 of those countries. I could then take comfort in this fact. I could smile and allow myself to feel as though this were some sort of tangible evidence that I had accomplished something with this endeavor. And I could skip joyfully through a field of dandelions, or have a tea-party with some teddy bears, or go rainbow hunting. But I wont. This site is not called The Optimist after all…
Many of my internet peers and brethren might be tickled at having been visited by individuals from all but 8 countries on Earth. They might exclaim, “How wonderful!” and scamper off to the local bistro for an apricot scone. I, however, am made of steelier stuff. I looked at the data, and what I saw my friends, was anything but cause for celebration.
The 8 countries / territories in absentia are as follows:
Chad
Central African Republic
Congo
North Korea
Sierra Leone
Tadschikistan
Turkmenistan
Western Sahara
A bit of digging and dot-connecting (along with some back-channel inquiries to trusted Nonist informants around the world) revealed, in no uncertain terms, that these 8 countries were not missing from my traffic logs by simple chance. No, this was a planned and malicious boycott undertaken by a ferocious and fundamentalist coalition of ideologue states who, not to put too fine a point on it, despise Nonism in all its forms and have vowed to do harm to all Nonists and their allies around the world, until the very ideas from which Nonism sprang are wiped from the face of the Earth.
These “Haters of Nonism” must henceforth be known then as–
You may think that I am overstating this, but let me assure you dear reader that I am not. Though I can not reveal my sources, as they are classified in the interest of Nonist security, by way of proof let me offer you this nugget-
That these states number 8 is no accident. Have another look at this diagram of the component parts of an octahedron prior to “unification.”
Now let me ask you, do you notice anything about that shape? Are you well read in 12th century lesser occult arcana? Do you have a passing knowledge of the numerological prophesies of Lord Hotenspiel? Have you drunk ambrosia of sloth-root? Are you acquainted with the genital scarring rites of the Luoengo Tribe? Do you watch the skies? Have you forgotten more about demonic zoology than most men ever knew? Well, let me tell you, it did not escape my notice how VERY much this shape resembles the “One-Horned Goat of Lohziath.”
See?! As I said, no accident. For as everyone knows in the third proto-aramaic translations of K???ê B’shariyr?a (or The True Scripture) Ol’ One-Horn’s appearance on Earth is the final harbinger of Lohziath’s scourge.
Quote: “...and the fruits of their fields shall wither, and their farms shall burn, and fear-maddened livestock shall mount the pink shanks of their women, and their children shall stink and wail more so than usual, and their spleens shall turn to wax, and their eyes shall boil and burst, and from the heavens Lohziath’s 8-sided diamond shall fall, wreathed in white fire, laying low each tower of the non-believer in turn…”
Did you catch that last part? The “non-believer?” None too subtle.
Well, as I’m sure this all makes perfectly plain the Nonist is facing a clear threat and must take measures to protect itself and it’s readers. So please, if you hear curious popping sounds while talking on the phone, or if you find you’re no longer allowed to fly, or if you notice someone behind a bush photographing you, or if you get the feeling you’re being followed, or if someone flushes your copy of Moby Dick down the toilet, or if your friends are stripped and forced into a cheerleading pyramid, or if your family is hooded and dragged away in the night, or if you awake to find yourself in dark room with gallons of water being poured into your mouth and nostrils… please do not be alarmed.
You, my towers of Nonism, one and each, shall be protected, the world will be made safe for our coalition of the viewing, and all the peoples on all 8 sides of the Octahedron of Evil will be liberated and shown the glorious pixely light that is The Nonist!
Anyhoo, I’m parched. How ‘bout a beer or whatever?