KATHMANDU (Reuters)- Officials at Nepal’s state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft. Nepal Airlines, which has two Boeing aircraft, has had to suspend some services in recent weeks due the problem. The goats were sacrificed in front of the troublesome aircraft Sunday at Nepal’s only international airport in Kathmandu in accordance with Hindu traditions, an official said. “The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights,” said Raju K.C., a senior airline official, without explaining what the problem had been. (It’s really not necessary for me to make any snide comments on this one is it? Humanity just rules so fucking hard!)

Quote: “In one of history’s more absurd acts of totalitarianism, China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission. According to a statement issued by the State Administration for Religious Affairs, the law, which goes into effect next month and strictly stipulates the procedures by which one is to reincarnate, is “an important move to institutionalize management of reincarnation.” And you thought the wheel of samsara was complicated now! Ha. Wait and see what some good ‘ol fashioned bureaucracy can do… A lifetime of karmic actions in triplicate anyone? The Pope may have to rethink his stance on purgatory… The real punchline though is less amazingly and perfectly hilarious. Ah well.

That G.W. Bush does not bother reading the paper is a on the record and well known. That the current Administration in Washington on the whole dislikes the press is obvious. First there was the uproar over the revelation of the N.S.A. wire-tapping program. Just last week we witnessed the President, Vice President, and other members of the Administration lash out angrily over the New York Times story which disclosed a secret C.I.A. program to trace financial records. Representative Peter T. King, Republican of New York, even called for a criminal investigation of The Times. It seems that something must be done.

I assume that The Times, being, like the rest of the mainstream press in recent memory, a sorry, weakling shell of a what might properly be called “a paper,” wishes to save itself in these choppy waters. Well I have taken it upon myself to create a mock-up of a format which, if adopted, would not only ingratiate The Times to the Administration, but which might even conceivably prove readable for a barely literate nincompoop of a President.

See below for 15 clippings from The Administration Times.

See? Now wouldn’t that make the boo-boo all better?

All images were taken from the New York Times’ own Sunday pictorial suppliments, specifically from the online exhibit: Newspaper Pictorials: World War I Rotogravures from 1913-1919 offered by The Library of Congress.

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Wake up you sleepyhead. Rub your eyes, get out of bed. Wake up Abu Musab al-Zarqawi’s dead. Tra la la… This morning the news was a-buzz with the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi in an air strike. The reporters were all just possitively a-twitter. “Death, Terrorism, and ‘good news’ all in one story?! Whoopee!” I believe I actually saw one correspondent wet himself. I can’t help but react exactly as I did when it was reported that Saddam Hussein was captured, with a resounding “...AND?” It changes nothing.

The real story, just below the surface, seems to be summed up as follows: “This couldn’t have happened at a better time for the Bush Administration.” More than one talking head has oozed this sentiment. How disgusting is that? Yeah, dropping two 500 lb bombs to kill a single terrorist, one whose “importance” was in large part manufactured by our own errors in Iraq, is so minor an accomplishment it’s very nearly symbolic, and in as much the effect could be political only. Perhaps it will bounce Bush’s poll numbers a half a percentage point? The administration were so thrilled at this prospect evidently that they took the time to artfully matte and frame the death photo in a very tasteful gilt frame. How nice.

About the only effect I can imagine this having is more self-congratulatory bluster from the administration and, of course, retaliatory violence. But then The bluster is there with or without even minor accomplishments, (these are people who actually congratulate and award medals for failure) and the violence would have happened regardless. So as I said before “...AND?”

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