Lives of the Saints (4)

Should I call the police or The Weekly World News? I can’t decide.

This isn’t a joke John, alright?

Well what you’re saying is you were just raped… by a “God.” Is that correct?

I didn’t say “raped.”

O.K. So you just went out to the deli to get smokes and between there and here you decided to screw some guy?! Am I hearing you right Beth?

He wasn’t “some guy.” He was a God.

Why do you keep saying that! Jesus! Did he show up as a swan or suddenly coalesce out of raindrops?


A little puppy maybe, that, like, drew you in with his cuteness and then unleashed his irresistible God-cock on you?


Well he better have shot lighting bolts out the end of his prick or something, because what your telling me here is that while I was doing the dishes you went out and fucked some guy behind a dumpster.

He wasn’t “some guy” alright?! He was… something else.

This is just fucking great! He was something else? “Boy oh boy, that stranger I just screwed was somethin’ else honey!” Should I run out and try to catch him before he flies back to Olympus? Huh? Maybe get a little taste of that hot God-action for myself?

That’s not what I meant. He was…

A GOD! I know you’ve said that, like, 20 times already. You’re insane…


What am I supposed to say to you right now Beth? “Oh it’s alright honey, everyone gets raped by a God at some point, no big deal?!”

I told you it wasn’t “rape.” And It was a big deal.

I KNOW it was a fucking big deal! I’m incredibly pissed-off right now in case you hadn’t noticed. I’m –

John please try to understand. He just sort of came to me. I was crossing through that parking lot around the corner and suddenly he was just there a few feet in front of me. It was weird because I wasn’t startled. Not at all. I looked at him and just sort of knew what was going to happen. It’s like it had to happen and somehow I knew that. I wasn’t scared, like, “oh my God this guy is about to attack me.” And I wasn’t compelled somehow or entranced or –

So you wanted it.


You saw this guy with what? Big pecs and a motorcycle jacket coming toward you and you were like, “I need to fuck that guy.” Excuse me but it all sounds very Cinemax to me. Was Shannon Tweed watching you two from some upstairs window with binoculars at the time by any chance? 

John stop.

If it had been a burning bush or something… oh wait, you were the one with the “burning bush” right Beth?

John I just had a religious experience. Can’t you understand that? It was –

Holy shit… there was no condom was there? Of course not. You just fucked some homeless drifter in a parking lot without a condom didn’t you? Didn’t you?! Jesus fucking christ this is unbelievable! What were you thinking?

You’re not listening to me. This was not “some homeless guy” and it wasn’t Fabio and I didn’t just get a craving for an anonymous encounter so I could have a secret and feel naughty John. This was something amazing and… spiritual. He was a God John. I mean that. I know it. I can’t explain it but it’s the truth.

First of all he wasn’t “a” God because, unless you’ve gone all pagan-goats-blood on me, we both know there is only one God, and I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t just get horny and come down to earth to bang my wife! Alright? Second whoever it was, you let him put his dirty been-who-knows-where cock in you without even… Wait.. did he pull out Beth? Beth?!


Answer me! Did he pull out or did he cum inside you?


You know I never thought I’d be wishing so fervently that a homeless guy would cum on my wife’s face in a parking lot but…


Answer me God damn it!

I’m pregnant John.

Ha! You’ve totally lost it haven’t you? This “roll in the clouds” only happened 20 minutes ago. My coffee isn’t even cold yet! Don’t tell me you had the foresight to buy a pregnancy test at the deli which you administered right there behind the dumpster Beth?

I’m pregnant. I know it. I’ll take a pregnancy test right now if you want me to.

So what? We’ve finally gotten pregnant after all the thousands of dollars of fertility treatments and you’ve gotten cold feet? Is that it? You make up a rape story thinking that I’ll agree to an abortion? You know I won’t Beth. And why all the “God” stuff? So I’d think you’ve come unhinged as well? A two-tiered plan of escape Beth? I didn’t think you had such a fertile imagination. In a way I’m actually relieved since…

I am not making any of this up John. This is not a scheme and I did not plan it! Alright?


John, look at me. Please look at me! You know me. I am not a liar, I am not crazy, I am your wife and I love you and I didn’t ask for this to happen, It just did. Please look at me… What are we going to do John?

What are we going to do? Well for starters I’m calling Doctor Leventhal because you are having a nervous breakdown. He can prescribe something and examine you so as to clear up the little matter of whether you even had sex with someone today. Then I’m calling your parents to come and sit with you because if you did screw some stranger I’m packing a bag and going to a hotel and if you didn’t I’m sure they’ll want to help me check you in to the nearest recovery center. Will you pass me the phone?

Honey, it happened. A God, whose face was… whose eyes were… He told me without ever opening his mouth that he was divine and that I’d been chosen and that I would bear a child unlike any the world had ever known. He told me that John, and I knew it was true. It wasn’t rape because I smiled and took his hand.


I unzipped my coat and slipped off my sweatpants and he slid up inside me. I can’t lie John it felt amazing. Like nothing else I’d ever experienced.


It wasn’t “sex.” It was like making love to a thick solid ray of light, covered all over with little twitching mouse whiskers. I started to cum immediately and just kept on the whole time. My legs just kind of buckled and I dropped my coat into a little pool of antifreeze but I didn’t fall. I heard this soft voice in my head, his voice, saying my name over and over again, but at the same time I heard other voices, above and below his, thanking me, congratulating me, asking me for my blessing. It felt like it went on for hours but it couldn’t have been more than five minutes –

Please stop it Beth.

It happened John, exactly like that. It happened.

It couldn’t have Beth, because God does not come down to earth to impregnate 42 year old accountants from Riverhead, alright?! I think I would have noticed if Father O’Brien had so much as alluded to heavenly light-ray orgasms in any of his sermons Beth, and he didn’t, ever. What you are describing happens only in back issues of Heavy Metal magazine and has nothing to do with my God and has nothing to do with reality.

But John look at my –

I’m not kidding Beth! Knock it off! Alright? Just stop! I don’t know what your trying to prove but I don’t want to hear anymore of this shit. It’s ridiculous.

It happened to Mary didn’t it? And it’s happened to others. Almost every ancient religion has these stories!

Mary was visited by an angel who revealed the immaculate conception to her Beth. Mary didn’t get plowed by God’s erection-of-light in a filthy 24 hour parking lot! She didn’t instantly drop her sweatpants and “cum continuously” while God whispered in her ear!

We weren’t there, we don’t know how it really happened. But it did! Didn’t it? You either believe the Bible or you don’t John and I know you do. These things happen.

These things happen?


O.K. you’re obviously a late-blooming schizophrenic.

I don’t know why you’re so mad. Sex with a God can hardly be considered adultery John.

Is that right? Well, All I can say is you’re lucky they don’t burn loopy hysterical women at stakes any more. If I were you I’d call your parents, a doctor, and Father O’brien. Maybe a combination antidepressant-cocktail and exorcism will cure what’s ailing you. As for me I’m calling a hotel concierge and our lawyer. I’ve had enough.

He loves you John. He told me.

Well then he’ll forgive me for making his holy incubator a single mother won’t he?


You can petition heaven for child support.

Joseph stayed with Mary didn’t he John?

Yeah, well, Joseph was the greatest cuckold in history, I’m just an insurance salesman.


Previous installments in the series: 1, 2, & 3.

10.07. filed under: !. fiction. 2