Patented for Your Pleasure

What are the things we as a species enjoy? I’m going to go out on a limb and pick two- We enjoy sexual pleasure, and we enjoy tinkering with stuff. The confluence of these two interests have lead, over time, to more sexual gadgetry than you could shake an electrode covered phallus at, and it’s amusing for a couple of reasons. For one, I don’t think with all our noodling we’ve ever actually improved on good ol’ sloppy biology. Secondly, and this is the mouth of the comedy gold mine, all these endless inventions of ours must, if they are to ever to hit the market and enter the orifices at large, pass through the patent office. Can you think of a more incongruous pairing than brute sexuality and government forms? Or of the mysterious workings of human arousal and technical diagrams?

As it turns out Google’s patent search returns endless examples of inventions aimed squarely at our erogenous zones. Some are amusing because of their necessary dryness in dealing with sexual activity, some because of their intended function, some because of their titles, some because of their illustrations, some because of their crazy complexity, some (especially the older ones) because of their sex-denying futility, and some just because you can’t help but imagine the illustrator or patent reviewer themselves smirking at having to give serious professional consideration to these items.

I flagged over 60 inventions “of interest” in under an hour and had to stop myself as not to get sucked any further into the seeming endlessness of it all. I’ve taken the liberty of reproducing a small portion of what I came across here for your consideration (in no particular order). Not all are amusing exactly, but they’re all certainly worth a gander.

Patent number: 6203491, 2001. Adult Sexual Apparatus.

An improved hands-free adult sexual apparatus or adult toy for use by women or men. The apparatus is secured onto the user, or the user’s clothing or belt, in a harness-like assembly and is also partially restrained to a fixed object. In one embodiment, a dildo or other phallic device is secured to a supportive backing while elastic straps allow the user to comfortably utilize the invention. In another embodiment, the invention has instead a sheathing device for use by males.

Patent number: 5501650, 1996. Automated Masturbatory Device.

A variable speed motor powering a crankshaft driven sealed transducer producing pneumatically induced reciprocating motion of a receiver when a male organ is inserted. The present invention employs a hermetic system to prevent loss of synchronization. The receiver is designed with an inner liner compliant enough to accommodate a plurality of sizes and shapes of male penises. The present invention produces a stroke of approximately 3 inches at a frequency of up to 350 per minute.

Patent number: 3500832, 1967. Breast Development Jacket.

A jacket for developing a woman’s breasts having an inner and outer ply of fabric suspended from the shoulders and covering the chest. The inner ply is distensible relative to the outer ply. Warm water is circulated between the plies and causes the inner ply to distend and conform to the contour of the wearer’s breasts. The circulation of warm water around the breasts enlarges the arteries and veins therein, by increasing blood circulation, and also causes the storage of fat tissue in the heated area.

Patent number: 692554, 1902. Chair for Therapeutic Purposes.

A chair for the therapeutic treatment of the uterus and anus by means of an electrically-charged stream of fluid in either liquid or vapor form. The seat of the chair is provided with a recess through which a pipe, terminating with a nozzle, may be placed from beneath. The said pipe, which is connected to a suitable rubber pipe and cock, is designed for introducing a fluid stream within the genitals or anus.

Patent number: 5657765, 1997. Erotic Stimulator.

An erotic stimulator in the form of a tongue. The stimulator comprises a flexible, elongated member having a mouthpiece at its base end whereby a user can manipulate the stimulator while leaving the hands free during gynecological stimulation with the device. The device has a plurality of raised projections on its surface to provide enhanced stimulation to the more sensitive areas of the female anatomy.

Patent number: 3518995, 1967. Contraceptive Article.

A contraceptive device worn by men as an article of clothing which, when worn, causes a man’s scrotum to be raised in temperature above its normal body heat, rendering the man sterile on a temporary basis, that is, as long as he wears the device.

An intra-vaginal anti-rape device. The invention is made of a flexible metal rim containing within its circumference plastic, triangular, pointed, curved spears, which move only inward. Attached to the rim is a thin, hollow, rubber pocket, reinforced in a cage-like manner with heavier rubber. It is inserted into the vagina by the woman wearing it by folding the pocket lengthwise and pushing it into the vaginal cavity. A woman can pry either lip with a thumbnail or fingernail and draw the invention out of the vagina. It is disposable. It can be worn for a few hours or all night.

Patent number: 6244269, 2001. Gum Job.

A two piece pliable, edible, flavored mouthpiece (including a through-hole adjacent to a center portion of the front of the teeth, for allowing at least a portion of a body part and a body fluid to pass there-through) to be worn by one consenting adult performing oral sexual activities such as cunnilingus and fellatio, and the like, on another consenting adult. The mouthpiece can be formed from pliable flavored edible materials such as but not limited to starch jellied candies, gelatin candy (i.e. Gummy Bear™), starch gelatin, licorice, chewing gum, and the like.

Patent number: 6997888, 2006. Libido Stimulating Device.

A device to facilitate interpersonal stimulation pursuant to the practice of cunnilingus during sexual foreplay includes two main portions: a half conical shaped trough section to accommodate the tongue of one party and a generally egg shaped or oval shaped surfaced section which is inserted in a body orifice of another party. A crosspiece at the outer end of the trough enables the chin of one party to urge the end of the device deeper into a body orifice.

Patent number: 5855206, 1999. Loose Prophylactic Sack.

A loose fitting male condom which is held in place by a simple, yet reliable closure. The closure can be a continuous elastic band or a fastening strip. The loose fit makes application and removal easier, and during intercourse increases sensation for the wearer. The closure provides a seal at the base of the penis to protect from disease and pregnancy resulting from fluid leakage, and if suitably tight, can prolong erections. 

Patent number: 6805663, 2004. Method of Shared Erotic Experience and Facilities for Same.

A method of sharing erotic experiences includes providing a building with a number of compartments, entertainment viewable from inside the compartments and surround sound music audible throughout the building, participants entering the building and go to the compartments, starting the entertainment at a proscribed time, and turning on the power from a central control booth at a proscribed time to a stimulation device for sexual pleasure found in each of the compartments. The facilities are such that sounds from the participants are transferred between the compartments, such that couples or individuals in one compartment can hear others in the building also experiencing intense sexual pleasure. The individual compartments may further contain a whirlpool tub with jets starting at a proscribed time. Importantly, security is provided to maintain order in the building, and regular cleaning and sanitation

Patent number: 6199552, 2001. Bed with Suspended Platform.

An apparatus for facilitating sexual relations with minimum movement by suspending a partner at controllable parallel and spaced apart relationship with respect to another partner resting on a flat cushioned surface. A cable assembly with several cables are cooperatively tied at one end to the suspended platform supporting one of the partners and the other end wound by spool members included in a motorized spool assembly. The activation of the motorized spool assembly brings the platform up and down. A reciprocating movement is also applied to the suspended platform, and all of these movements are controlled by a circuit that includes hard-wired or remote inputs.

Patent number: 6251066, 2001. Thrusting Rod.

A piston driven artificial penis. A pump supplies a fluid under pressure to move the piston rod in an extending direction. An enclosure having an outer shape of a penis encloses the cylinder and the end of the piston rod. The enclosure has an initial position when the pump is released and an extended position when the pump is actuated. The telescoping action is driven by a bellows with a mouth piece for blowing air into said bellows.

Patent number: 6038719, 2000. Novelty Pillow.

A novelty pillow comprising a pillow base structure, a front surface and a back surface, at least one slit opening in at least one surface, a cavity recessed in the base structure below the slit, at least one phallic member extendable from the cavity out through the slit and indicia for conveying predetermined messages.

Patent number: 2576024, 1948. Scrotum Sleeve.

Sleeve to be worn on the scrotum to hold the testicles downwardly in their natural position, and thereby have a rejuvenating effect and improve their function. Further objects of the invention are to prevent squeezing of the scrotum when the wearer sits or crosses his legs, and to add comfort to the wearer and prevent shock of chill in cold weather.

Patent number: 995600, 1911. Surgical Appliance.

Surgical appliance for absolutely preventing any attempt at masturbation by males, especially the insane.

Patent number: 6370912, 2002. Vaginal jewelry and exercise device.

A piece of jewelry designed to adorn and decorate the pelvic region of a human female. The piece of jewelry comprises an anchor member which is worn within the vagina, a decorative charm and a connecting chain long enough to permit the decorative charm to lie outside the labia comfortably. The piece of jewelry is also an ornamental device which provides the wearer a means to exercise her pubococcygeus muscle.

Patent number: 5411034, 1995. Air sensitive rupture indicating condom.

A condom including three layers, first and third layers which are of elastomeric material with a second layer sandwiched between the first and third layers including a colorless, air sensitive material. When the colorless, air sensitive material is exposed to air because of a rupture in said first or third layers of said condom, the colorless, air sensitive material changes color to alert the user that the integrity of the condom is compromised.

Patent number: 879534, 1907. Body-Guard.

A guard adapted to prevent the bed clothing from coming in contact with the generative organs of a man’s body while asleep or when lying at rest, particularly those afflicted with spermatorrhea; it being well known that in aggravated cases the warmth of the bed clothing against such parts, and particularly friction of the clothing, produces seminal emissions, a cure of which can only be effected by preventing the causes.

Patent number: 5076287, 1991. Conductive condom.

An electrically conductive condom comprising a thin, protective sheath having an open end for receiving a penis therein and an opposite closed end, said sheath being made from an elastic, electrically conductive material, which passes electrical energy there-through, for increasing sensitivity with respect to adjacent nerve endings of at least one of a penis and a vagina of a human body.

Patent number: 5163447, 1992. Force-Sensitive, Sound-Playing Condom.

A force-sensitive sound-playing condom which plays a melody or voiced message when, during intercourse, the contacts of the sound-playing unit are closed and the transducer is activated.

Patent number: 6899671, 2005. Intravaginal stimulation apparatus.

A “Y” shaped tubular apparatus with each of the three arms of the apparatus containing a flexible member. The apparatus is both extendable in width and length with each arm rotatably adjustable and affixed at two ends with adjustable cuffs for securing the apparatus to the user at the ankles. One end of the extendable arm is capable of quick adaptation to a variety of intravaginal appliances.

So? Genius? Lunacy? Comedy? Tragedy? Much needed improvements? Fiascos waiting to happen? You and your private parts can decide.

Hope you enjoyed.