revenge of the chirophobic
finally managed to see the final installment of star wars (“uh, well, ahem, actually, the film in theaters now is technically the third installment, you most likely saw the ‘final’ way back in” -fuck you) and it was enjoyable. while sitting there in the theater, mid lightsaber battle, i had an epiphany about this epic which changed my conception of it completely and suddenly cast a new light on the proceedings. what dawned on me was this: george lucas has a raging, shivering in the corner, sweating and whimpering case of chirophobia.
what is chirophobia you ask? well, it is a rare medical condition characterized by the fear of hands.
People suffering from chirophobia will experience some or all of the following to different degrees:
-a deep sense of physical revulsion at the sight thumbs.
-energy drying up at the thought of fingernails
-dry mouth upon seeing meaty fingertips
-abnormal emotional reactions upon passing a palm reader’s or glove store.
-palpitations on seeing or even imagining knuckle hair
-a crippling sense of helplessness on seeing a wrist and in extreme cases even emotional paralysis at the sight of a forearm.
-crying
-a bit of jowliness
having now seen this epic through and in such having noticed the mind boggling amount of hands chopped off, the conclusion seems obvious. star wars was a decades long document of lucas’ battle with chirophobia. all that hand chopping lucas visited on his creations was a cry for help. it all fits.
after some research i’ve found that this true, secret, wellspring of the star wars mythology has been hidden in plain sight all this time. one need only glance over the list of jedi fighting techniques to see a pattern forming…
Cho mai- The term cho mai is used to describe the action of cutting off an opponent’s weapon hand. This move shows that the Jedi using it has the honor to cause the opponent minimal physical damage; it also shows the skill and mastery of the Jedi performing the move to the opponent.
Cho mak- A cho mak is the act of cutting off an opponent’s limb.
Cho sun- The term cho sun is used to describe the move used to cut off an opponent’s weapon arm.
and so on.
by way of illustrating my theory i’ve created a small gallery of relevant moments within the star wars saga for your consideration. in that i could not hunt down all the proper screen shots (how convenient! a conspiracy certainly! someone get me oliver stone on the horn…) i’ve instead drawn upon the fantastic figures featured at the star wars collectors site, rebel scum. in some cases a bit of creative license was employed in order to recreate the original events, but as you will see the undercurrent is undeniable. what is the saga’s true legacy when seen in the glaring light of human reality?! will full disclosure help one of our most beloved storytellers?
i expect a current affair will be contacting me shortly for the rights on my forthcoming expose´. stay tuned. (by the way if i missed any important arm or hand chopping let me know. i’m sure i must have missed some.)
Read Less...
Harhar! Well observed my young apprentice. Now let’s just be happy that George didn’t make porn or went into more of a David Lynch style of movies ...
posted by
orangeguru on 05/31 at 03:02 AM
alternate dialogue:
“hands do not matter…...judge me by my hands do you….hhhhhmmmmm?”
“chirophobia is strong with that one”
“i sense great fear of sweaty palms in you”
posted by
admiral dewey on 05/31 at 02:31 PM
I was wondering about the hand thing too. Good job figuring that out. BTY, I’m impressed with the pics.
On a slightly unrelated note, I read that some people are advocating watching the SW movies in a 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 6 order rather than straight 1-6. It actually seems like it would be much better that way. Basically, episodes 1-3 become a flashback about the creation of darth vader after you learn that he is luke’s father. You also keep some of the suspense, which seems totaly lost if you actually watched the movies 1-6. good stuff.
posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 05/31 at 10:51 PM
Awsum! I think the very first arm-lopping occurs in the cantina (the hairy dude who ‘doesn’t like’ luke).
Maybe it’s all just a sub-freudian anti-masturbation message? If thine hand offend thee, somebody gonna cut it off.
posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 05/31 at 11:30 PM
@tom- ah yes! forgot about that guy. will have to see if i can find an image, though it’s not likley. as for the “sub-freudian anti-masturbation message” my girlfirend suggested the same exact thing. freud and his damn filthy mind… @rich- 4,5,1,2,3,6? sure why not? maybe they’ll start selling benzadrene again just for that application. in truth though, i’m glad it’s over.
posted by
jmorrison on 06/01 at 01:16 AM
@tom: Perfect! And never forget the female lightsaber envy.
posted by
orangeguru on 06/01 at 08:05 PM
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