watching this comparatively feeble skating performance i imagined that the audience, in order to voice it’s displeasure in a civilized manner, had begun throwing small pillows and plush toys onto the ice which were shaped exactly like human anuses.

as soon as i mentioned this out loud to my girlfriend i realized it could not be true. simultaneously, however, i realized that i’d be infinitely more satisfied, entertained, and amused if it were. and why couldn’t it be? it fits so well.






the anus carries with it a sizable payload of negative associations, which could encapsulate nicely general sentiments of disapproval, and hey, everyone loves to voice their sentiments with squishy little novelty pillows and cute plush toys! imagine it. with one soft, pink anus, tossed at just the right moment, you could say it all:

“you are an asshole”
“man you’re are full of shit”
“your existence makes many people squeamish”
“what you have just said / done is crap”
“what you have just said / done stinks”
“you stink”
etc.

at first i imagined the “throwing of the anus pillow” as an expression of displeasure at sporting events. americans- why dump perfectly good beer (which you’d certainly prefer to dump into your belly) onto the right fielder’s head when you could pelt him with small, soft, human anuses? europeans- why riot and kill 30 people at the “football” match, with all the stamping and crushing, when you can simply smother one another to death humanely with comfy asshole shaped pillows?

then i realized, however, that limiting the “anus bombardment” to sports was too short sighted.






imagine the sound of a volley of anus beanbags thumping against the screen during the closing credits of hollywood’s next television remake / sequel / big budget piece of trash. what a sweet sound it would be.

imagine news footage of the japanese parliament hurling fluffy anus pillows at one another on the floor of the lower house, screaming “???!”

imagine the sight of a stadium concert stage, piled 2 feet deep in pink, frilly anus cushions, when the egomaniacal superstar rockers keep their audience waiting for 50 minutes and then only play a 40 minute set!

imagine a whitehouse press-secretary cowering behind his podium as a fed-up press tossed wave after wave of red, swollen-looking, velvet anuses at his head.

imagine the “nooses through time” float at the next white pride demonstration careening off the parade route because so many plush anuses were lodged in it’s wheel wells.

imagine a single, well aimed anus entering the open mouth of an american idol contestant in mid-earsplitting-warble.

imagine gutters and doorways and sidewalks cluttered with thousands of anuses, of every imaginable shape and size and color, the day after a huge anti-war, anti-wto, anti-torture, anti-spying, political march.

imagine the lobby of the riaa offices completely crammed with stuffed anuses after a flashmob of anus hurlers showed up and let fly.

imagine the satisfaction of waking up one morning and seeing every newspaper cover at the newsstand freezing the same glorious moment in time: an oversized brown anus smacking against the side of president bush’s head, a deep dark wrinkle of which is poking him in his squinty eye.

you see what an exquisite, absurdist world our displeasure could create?






i imagined that helium filled anus balloons could be made for events in the air which one might like to voice displeasure at. likewise weighted, waterproof anuses would be available for events in the sea. perhaps special nerf guns could be fashioned which would shoot nerf-anuses long distances, say into a neighbors yard. drivers in l.a. might shoot one another with them on the freeway. small coaster sized anuses would be printed for more intimate protestations, say on the subway, in the elevator, or at the car dealership. anus stamped stationary would be available for all angry letters to magazines, state representatives, and long distance anus-faxes. asterix keys the world over would get worn down to nothing.

of course, as i thought about it the realization that “plush anuses” don’t grow on trees assailed me, and that the whole enterprise would get quite expensive. i for one would never be able to keep enough of them for all my protestation needs. then the likelihood of epidemic levels of throwing injuries and tennis elbow-type stress disorders sunk-in. might be dangerous. the ambulance-chaser ads on local cable flashed through my mind… “have you been pelted with stuffed anuses? we can help.” i imagined all the washed-up celebrities faking anus attacks to get back into the tabloids, all the gut wrenchingly terrible leno jokes… too much to bear. then i imagined all the “rebellious” kids embracing the anus barrage, all but begging people to thwack them… and i lost hope.

this world was not meant for such as thee soft anus pillow of displeasure! it was not meant to be. it’d never work. i’m sorry for having imagined you. fly away now and lodge yourself in some other poor bastards brain. i can’t bear to think of you… sniff… er… i mean… sigh.