i’m sure that i’ve mentioned my dislike for advertising before. i must have explained at some point how television ads rarely fail to illicit a sneer in my living room, often times accompanied by an expletive or two as well. no matter how “clever” an ad is i simply can not get past the fact it’s an ad; a cloying, disingenuous, attempt to convince me of something. and therein lies the problem, they never do, ever, and so in their ineffectiveness each one feels like an insult to my intelligence. today i’d like to single out a specific facet of advertising for discussion- the tagline

first a definition of the tagline (sometimes called straplines):

a tagline is a line that serves to clarify a point or create a dramatic effect; a reiterated phrase or message identified with an individual, group, or commercial product and that resonates strongly with an audience: An ending line, as in a play or joke, which makes a point; a slogan.

it seems to me that as advertising stands today the tagline has lost its way in an orgy of overworked ad-speak and transformed into something commercially impotent, lacking any of the intended resonance whatsoever. taglines change endlessly, with each mutation verging closer and closer to complete meaninglessness, and it would seem consumer opinion in general bears out my feeling here-

a marketing and branding expert with the Byline Group in San Mateo, ca, did a survey on taglines in 2005 which ranked the top 100. the breakdown showed that about 50% of the taglines chosen by consumers for the Top 100 were created in the 1960s and 1970s with each successive decade having a smaller percentage. only 1% came from after the year 2000.

so today’s taglines stink and are in no way shape or form worth the millions that get spent on their formulation. but don’t take this expert and his survey’s word for it, he is after all a minion of ad-hell or a “knight in satan’s service” if you will. instead why not take

my

word for it.

no? too smart for that?

o.k. how about this, i’ll list a bunch of current taglines which i’ve collected, i’ll judge each, but you can just judge for yourself. sound agreeable? keep in mind these aren’t necessarily the worst of the worst, just the ones i managed to jot down during a few days of t.v. watching-

sprint: yes you can
judgement: can what? bend spoons with my mind? meaningless

am-ex: my life. my card.
judgement: my nausea.

alka seitzer: i can’t believe i ate the whole thing.
judgement: i can’t believe this tagline is so retardedly ill-conceived.

expedia: enjoy your trip
judgement: or how about- “a website.” seriously, why bother?

saab: born from jets
judgement: this is your selling point? comically stupid.

ambien: tomorrow will thank you
judgement: fuck you ambien you arrogant anthropomorphizing assholes.

doctor pepper: one taste and you get it
judgement: get what? i don’t get get it.

hyundai: drive your way
judgement: you mean speeding, drunk, on the wrong side of the road? meaningless.

mcdonalds: i’m loving it
judgement: i’m not loving it, i’m ignoring it.

weight watchers: watch yourself change
judgement: watch your ad campaign tank.

ford: a life in drive
judgement: a car in drive. a life completely unaffected by which shitty tin can i drive. twats.

campbells: possibilities
judgement: and what are those exactly? seriously. a cancer cure? a menage-a-tios? it’s just soup.

verizon: we never stop working for you
judgement: bullshit, and everyone knows it. so shove this tagline up your collective asses.

advil: the every pain reliever
judgement: wrong. dumb. totally forgettable.

boniva: there’s only one
judgement: forget your lame tagline, you deserve special scorn for naming your fucking product “boniva.”

toyota: moving forward
judgement: a less vomitous version of the ford line. still meaningless.

bayer: like no other pain reliever in the world
judgement: uh, ok, that’s what patents are all about right? so i guess it’s true.

citi bank: live richly
judgement: something vaguely condescending about a bank saying “live richly” isn’t there?

cadillac: the comeback of cool
judgement: as everyone above the age of 8 knows any claim on “cool” is an instant negation of cool. sorry.

honda: the power of dreams
judgement: oh just go fuck yourself honda. “the power of dreams?” yeah, that’s what your product is all about!

sony: like no other
judgement: means nothing. nothing at all.

the weather channel: bringing weather to life
judgement: nope. actually, taking weather and filtering it through a television which sits in your cozy living room is the opposite. if people want their weather “brought to life” they’ll just go outside. try again.

mercury: new doors open
judgement: christ! i’m sick of this lame double-meaning car thing. enough already. what’s left? a tagline playing on the drive-shaft? “grab your shaft!” these car lines are crappy. enough.

intel: leap ahead
judgement: lame (as is that new logo). engineered obsolescence does not a “leap ahead” make.

walmart: save more. smile more.
judgement: every ad which is not for toothpaste that mentions our smiles is loathsome. this company should be destroyed with extreme prejudice on the smarminess of their tagline alone, never mind their dodgy business practices.

microsoft: your potential. our passion.
judgement: much like the mention of smiles the mention of both “our potential” and “your passion” makes me want to puke. here is my tagline rebuttal: your lumbering, sub-par, monopoly. our tough luck.

smirnoff: clearly
judgement: clearly too self consciously “hip” to be anything other than pathetic. clearly.

at&t: your world, delivered
judgement: i’ll have my world with pepperoni please. thanks.

so there you have it. judge for yourself. do any of these even remotely satisfy the conditions set forth in the term’s definition? are any of these linguistic turds worth the money pumped into them?

i can imagine each and every meeting in which these lumps of crap were unveiled. the knowing glances, the conviction, the excitement! poor, pathetic, decision makers and your utter lack of ability. ah well.

my verdict is this- if you have a company, and the creation of your tagline adds up to more than 2 billable hours, then just forget it, you’ve payed too much. your ad agency’s copy-writers are most likely over-payed hacks who are too busy sniffing coke off satan’s hairy taint to come up with anything even remotely interesting or effective. just let it go. let the tagline die. please?

either that of try this out instead. sure would save you bundles of cash. cash which you could reinvest into helping your customers realize their potential, in broadening their happy smiles, and better caring for their all around well being, the things which you’re evidently most concerned with. profit-smofit right? you guys… i get warm fuzzies just thinking about your truly altruistic concern! c’mear and give me a hug.

anyway. feel free to disagree with me in comments. likewise feel free to agree, to add your own, and glory in that which is an irrational hatred for all things advertising!