let’s mock the dj.

One night back in 1999 myself, Jaime (better known as the ineffable and unknowable jmorrison to readers of this site), and sometime commenter and poster at the nonist James Rizzi, went to what was then our local watering hole, the now venerable, but then newly minted, Enid’s in Greenpoint; The original proto-hipster bar in a sea of polish owned and operated shitholes who would sooner slit our throats than serve us. Enid’s one drawback, in our minds, was the quality of their DJ’s. They always seemed to be some lanky, music-nerd, douchebag, with a stupid name who would play the most godawful shite for 3 hour blocks before giving it over to the next skinny jerk who would continue the trend of playing terrible music almost indistinguishable from his predecessor both in appearance and in choice of a playlist. 

Usually what we did at enids (besides drink obviously) was draw on cocktail napkins or in my sketchbook, however, on this night we started making a list of the worst and/or funniest DJ names we could come up with. This went on for the entire evening. At one point we were joined by Brooklyn’s own ms. lola belle who also began to contribute names to the list and who was, after several drinks, perhaps trying to get one of our triumvirate to go home with her that night (or who was perhaps just flirting via made up DJ names). this changed the dynamic of the list considerably as one of our trio disliked her intensely, one of us (perhaps the object of her woo even) had a girlfriend and was trying to play it straight, and one of us was just pathetically, intensely, jealous because someone else was getting attention from a hot girl. What started as a lark, a way to pass the time, became a 4 way window into our feelings, desires, ambitions, and failings which, in retrospect, is pretty pathetically transparent. So join me if you will for this little snapshot of a group of problem drinkers in their mid twenties trying to pass the time on a Saturday night. See if you can figure out when the whole thing went south.

Dj mad deep crates
Dj obscure closet
Dj hank swank
dj buttertoast
dj anti-victim device
dj grape lick-em stick
dj eyes that’s in back of us
dj propsicle
dj cock block
dj kimusabe
dj nell carter
dj ozzy’s thong
dj elephant shades
dj lack luster
dj lola’s self esteem
dj stone drag
dj gary
dj social life
dj ben dover
dj it was the best of times it was the worst of times
dj I’ve seen the greatest minds of my generation
dj barbaric yawp
dj colostomy bag
dj chopped ’67 impala
dj buddy system
dj rogaine
dj genius of the crowd
dj poetic liscence (sic)
dj slow boat to china
dj snuggles
dj skin deep
dj good intentions
dj mah dead homies
dj what the Christ
dj like me
dj two in the bush
dj tossed salad
dj social posture
dj black like me
dj good touches, bad touches
dj tortellini
dj madd pee pee
dj horatio sanz
dj eddy mercury
dj hiccup
dj fucking terrible
dj vanity mirror
dj dick in your mouth
dj hit it or quit it
dj Hitler
dj zyklon b
dj schadenfreude
dj damp panties
dj bring on the free hooch
dj obtrusive bassline
dj redtag cargo pants
dj Brooklyn
dj bel biv devoe
dj heterosexuality
dj milosovich
dj paper chase
dj plausible
dj perturbed
dj hai karate
dj what the fuck are we paying you for
dj lord of the dance
dj cum guzzler
dj white devil
dj wipe that stupid look off your face
dj buy back
dj effort
dj good music
dj cum a lot
dj dick holster
dj banana hammock
dj homoerotic
dj diddling your little sister
dj adolescent male power fantasy
dj panty sniffer
dj insulting the listener
dj part-time
dj james and tom are dicks
dj plastic leather jacket
dj beer goggles
dj tomorrow never comes
dj if it smells like fish, eat it
dj introvert
dj ‘I’m an artist’
dj I wanna fuck the girl in the tight pink sweater
dj I may not look like much now, but wait ‘til I start nautilus
dj punk as fuck
dj here comes the sun
dj electric avenue
dj james and Jaime can go fuck themselves
dj stepped in shit
dj my mom thinks i’m handsome
dj promisciuous (sic)
dj anal Asians 7
dj ill fuck anything that moves
dj tea bag
dj tkup (that means tit-kick uterus-punch by the way)
dj wears white after November first
dj move over nigga
dj that guy, him.
Dj asti spumante
Dj bad pick-up line
Dj derivative
Dj smurf the smurf out of you
Dj I thought I would find you here
Dj in it for the women
Dj functionally retarded
Dj sensitive
Dj stinkhole
Dj my posse’s on broadway
Dj magnificent sideburns
Dj chewing on broken glass
Dj sexually boring
Dj my dicks bigger than yours
Dj I wouldn’t fuck you with someone else’s dick
Dj your mom’s all up in my business
Dj fork in the jugular
Dj i’m horny but ive got a girlfriend
Dj infidelity
Dj golden calf
Dj jesus was a pussy
Dj licks the clit a lot
Dj emancipation proclamation
Dj no taxation without representation
Dj parking the pink corvette in a sidestreet
Dj noam chomsky’s psychaiatrist (sic)
Dj sharp poke in the adams apple
Dj hot flashes
Dj kick in the bicuspid
Dj colon chameleon
Dj pee standing up
Dj sexually and emotionally unsatisfied
Dj you dropped your ice cream
Dj your daddy’s on welfare
Dj I broke up with both my boyfriends
Dj sexual deviant
Dj not in my America
Dj buzzkill
Dj denied
Dj just waiting for my social betters
Dj the bigger, better deal
Dj yoko ono
Dj unlocked public restroom
Dj superiority complex
Dj half a mile from the county fair
Dj high expectations
Dj nostril flare
Dj warm to the touch
Dj its on
Dj ‘fuck you bitch’ and kept going
Dj the grass is always greener
Dj let me hear you snap your gum
Dj slummin’ it
Dj “don’t do evil”
Dj happy-go-lucky
Dj fugheddabout it
Dj allright at least you wont be alone tonight
Dj coke off your stomach
Dj please god don’t let me die alone
Dj righteous squaredance
Dj this guy givin you a hardtime?
Dj sleep alone tonight
Dj getting high by myself
Dj buy me a pack of gum and ill show you how to chew it
Dj nell carter needs another break
Dj astrology bullshit
Dj no more tears
Dj we shall overcome
Dj in dire need
Dj backupped
Dj feel my forehead for fever
Dj non practicing male
Dj blind to opportunities
Dj tough room
Dj I expected more
Dj blind as a bat
Dj dumb as a stump
Dj passing notes in class
Dj you could do worse
Dj gods love we deliver
Dj shooting blanks dot com
Dj uh..
Dj irony is for pussies
Dj inhibitions
Dj easy
Dj why can’t we be friends
Dj while the cats away
Dj more information than I needed to know
Dj stumbling home
Dj drunk as fuck
Dj my cock is always sober
Dj equal opportunity seducer
Dj naked girls are fun
Dj sportfucking
Dj throw back the small fish
Dj your best offer
Dj tonights the night
Dj plead the fifth
Dj hardup
Dj it only takes one good line
Dj beteljuice
Dj there’s no going back
Dj silver spoon. Paper plate.
Dj alfonso rib-eye steak
Dj drawing in a foggy window
Dj my wallet is my life
Dj it hurts so good
Dj Gloria. Gloria. I think I want your number.
Dj don’t you fukkin look at me
Dj it hurts so good
Dj hell is for children
Dj sex as a weapon
Dj get a job
Dj sucking cock at the pier
Dj spellcheck
Dj give me free-shit or I’ll go home
Dj the cheese stands alone
Dj that’s two hours of my life that’s never coming back
Dj sloppy drunk
Dj feigning indifference
Dj laconic
Dj 650 on my verbal S.A.T.S
Dj lack of potential
Dj give me liberty or give me death
Dj long winded bastard
Dj I don’t have anything better to do
Dj bounce to the ounce
Dj live by the sword live a good long time
Dj parkinson’s disease
Dj moony-eyed
Dj table talk

*note: any resemblance to any DJ either living or dead is purely coincidental. also, if you happen to be a DJ whether you have one of these names or not, for christs sake take off those ridiculous pants and go get a job or go back to grad school or something.