Am I funny? Funny how? Do I amuse you? Am I a clown for your fuckin’ entertainment? Just what the fuck is so amusing? Oh, the greeting cards? You wanna see the fuckin’ greeting cards? Like if the family had its own line of fuckin’ greeting cards, what would they say? All right, all right, wise guy, here they are, and I hope ya fuckin’ choke on ‘em!

Front: So I hear you’re not feelin’ so fuckin’ good…
Inside: I hope your fuckin’ malady disappears like Johnny Two Fingers after he done that thing he shoulda never fuckin’ done, about which I know nothin’ about.

Congratulations on your kid graduatin’ college…
I would sure like to know what college let that little retard pass. No, really, I’d like to know. Because my nephew, he makes your kid look like a fuckin’ supercomputer, and he gotta learn an honest trade, ‘cause I ain’t lettin’ that mouth-breathin fucknut anywhere near my business.

Merry Fuckin’ Christmas!
My gift to you is although you still owe me ninety large, you got until the twenty-sixth before I break your fuckin’ knees and burn down that shithouse you call a diner.

Happy Valentine’s Day!
Massacre. Valentine’s Day Massacre, get it? I seen that on the History Channel. It was fuckin’ sweet. Brains all over the fuckin’ place.

You got laid? Way to fuckin’ go!
Unless you’re my sister, in which case this will fuckin’ kill our mother, and he’s a dead man.

My regards on your birthday.
And best wishes that you should get a severe case of bad fuckin’ memory in front of the grand jury if you wanna see any more goddam birthdays.

My condolences on your truck gettin’ hijacked with all them IPods and Blackberries…
By the sheerest fuckin’ coincidence, I have recently acquired a supply of these highly coveted items that I can let you have for a very good price.

Welcome to Your New Home!
Bet you thought we couldn’t find you out here in Shitlick, Montana, eh, stugots? Now let’s go for a little walk in the woods…

You have a new baby! We’re so happy for you!
It was nice doin’ business with you, and if you want any more: just call Scarabino’s Fish Market, ask about the ‘live imported minnows,’ and small unmarked bills, please.

Happy New Year’s! Happy Fourth of July! Happy Chinese New Year!
‘Cause any fuckin’ holiday that people don’t fuckin’ notice no gunshots is a happy day, know what I mean?

My Condolences On The Loss Of Your Loved One.
It is always tragical when an untimely demise comes to one who was skimming fifteen percent, but he was askin’ for it, the rat bastard.

So sorry to hear you unexpectedly lost the big title fight!
Cheer up, ya big palooka, these fine engraved portraits of President Benjamin Franklin will make you forget all about losing the match, just like I told ya they would.