As it turns out Google’s patent search returns endless examples of inventions aimed squarely at our erogenous zones. Some are amusing because of their necessary dryness in dealing with sexual activity, some because of their intended function, some because of their titles, some because of their illustrations, some because of their crazy complexity, some (especially the older ones) because of their sex-denying futility, and some just because you can’t help but imagine the illustrator or patent reviewer themselves smirking at having to give serious professional consideration to these items.

I flagged over 60 inventions “of interest” in under an hour and had to stop myself as not to get sucked any further into the seeming endlessness of it all. I’ve taken the liberty of reproducing a small portion of what I came across here for your consideration (in no particular order). Not all are amusing exactly, but they’re all certainly worth a gander.

An improved hands-free adult sexual apparatus or adult toy for use by women or men. The apparatus is secured onto the user, or the user’s clothing or belt, in a harness-like assembly and is also partially restrained to a fixed object. In one embodiment, a dildo or other phallic device is secured to a supportive backing while elastic straps allow the user to comfortably utilize the invention. In another embodiment, the invention has instead a sheathing device for use by males.

A variable speed motor powering a crankshaft driven sealed transducer producing pneumatically induced reciprocating motion of a receiver when a male organ is inserted. The present invention employs a hermetic system to prevent loss of synchronization. The receiver is designed with an inner liner compliant enough to accommodate a plurality of sizes and shapes of male penises. The present invention produces a stroke of approximately 3 inches at a frequency of up to 350 per minute.

A jacket for developing a woman’s breasts having an inner and outer ply of fabric suspended from the shoulders and covering the chest. The inner ply is distensible relative to the outer ply. Warm water is circulated between the plies and causes the inner ply to distend and conform to the contour of the wearer’s breasts. The circulation of warm water around the breasts enlarges the arteries and veins therein, by increasing blood circulation, and also causes the storage of fat tissue in the heated area.

A chair for the therapeutic treatment of the uterus and anus by means of an electrically-charged stream of fluid in either liquid or vapor form. The seat of the chair is provided with a recess through which a pipe, terminating with a nozzle, may be placed from beneath. The said pipe, which is connected to a suitable rubber pipe and cock, is designed for introducing a fluid stream within the genitals or anus.

An erotic stimulator in the form of a tongue. The stimulator comprises a flexible, elongated member having a mouthpiece at its base end whereby a user can manipulate the stimulator while leaving the hands free during gynecological stimulation with the device. The device has a plurality of raised projections on its surface to provide enhanced stimulation to the more sensitive areas of the female anatomy.

A contraceptive device worn by men as an article of clothing which, when worn, causes a man’s scrotum to be raised in temperature above its normal body heat, rendering the man sterile on a temporary basis, that is, as long as he wears the device.

An intra-vaginal anti-rape device. The invention is made of a flexible metal rim containing within its circumference plastic, triangular, pointed, curved spears, which move only inward. Attached to the rim is a thin, hollow, rubber pocket, reinforced in a cage-like manner with heavier rubber. It is inserted into the vagina by the woman wearing it by folding the pocket lengthwise and pushing it into the vaginal cavity. A woman can pry either lip with a thumbnail or fingernail and draw the invention out of the vagina. It is disposable. It can be worn for a few hours or all night.

A two piece pliable, edible, flavored mouthpiece (including a through-hole adjacent to a center portion of the front of the teeth, for allowing at least a portion of a body part and a body fluid to pass there-through) to be worn by one consenting adult performing oral sexual activities such as cunnilingus and fellatio, and the like, on another consenting adult. The mouthpiece can be formed from pliable flavored edible materials such as but not limited to starch jellied candies, gelatin candy (i.e. Gummy Bear™), starch gelatin, licorice, chewing gum, and the like.

A device to facilitate interpersonal stimulation pursuant to the practice of cunnilingus during sexual foreplay includes two main portions: a half conical shaped trough section to accommodate the tongue of one party and a generally egg shaped or oval shaped surfaced section which is inserted in a body orifice of another party. A crosspiece at the outer end of the trough enables the chin of one party to urge the end of the device deeper into a body orifice.

A loose fitting male condom which is held in place by a simple, yet reliable closure. The closure can be a continuous elastic band or a fastening strip. The loose fit makes application and removal easier, and during intercourse increases sensation for the wearer. The closure provides a seal at the base of the penis to protect from disease and pregnancy resulting from fluid leakage, and if suitably tight, can prolong erections. 

A method of sharing erotic experiences includes providing a building with a number of compartments, entertainment viewable from inside the compartments and surround sound music audible throughout the building, participants entering the building and go to the compartments, starting the entertainment at a proscribed time, and turning on the power from a central control booth at a proscribed time to a stimulation device for sexual pleasure found in each of the compartments. The facilities are such that sounds from the participants are transferred between the compartments, such that couples or individuals in one compartment can hear others in the building also experiencing intense sexual pleasure. The individual compartments may further contain a whirlpool tub with jets starting at a proscribed time. Importantly, security is provided to maintain order in the building, and regular cleaning and sanitation

An apparatus for facilitating sexual relations with minimum movement by suspending a partner at controllable parallel and spaced apart relationship with respect to another partner resting on a flat cushioned surface. A cable assembly with several cables are cooperatively tied at one end to the suspended platform supporting one of the partners and the other end wound by spool members included in a motorized spool assembly. The activation of the motorized spool assembly brings the platform up and down. A reciprocating movement is also applied to the suspended platform, and all of these movements are controlled by a circuit that includes hard-wired or remote inputs.

A piston driven artificial penis. A pump supplies a fluid under pressure to move the piston rod in an extending direction. An enclosure having an outer shape of a penis encloses the cylinder and the end of the piston rod. The enclosure has an initial position when the pump is released and an extended position when the pump is actuated. The telescoping action is driven by a bellows with a mouth piece for blowing air into said bellows.

A novelty pillow comprising a pillow base structure, a front surface and a back surface, at least one slit opening in at least one surface, a cavity recessed in the base structure below the slit, at least one phallic member extendable from the cavity out through the slit and indicia for conveying predetermined messages.

Sleeve to be worn on the scrotum to hold the testicles downwardly in their natural position, and thereby have a rejuvenating effect and improve their function. Further objects of the invention are to prevent squeezing of the scrotum when the wearer sits or crosses his legs, and to add comfort to the wearer and prevent shock of chill in cold weather.

Surgical appliance for absolutely preventing any attempt at masturbation by males, especially the insane.

A piece of jewelry designed to adorn and decorate the pelvic region of a human female. The piece of jewelry comprises an anchor member which is worn within the vagina, a decorative charm and a connecting chain long enough to permit the decorative charm to lie outside the labia comfortably. The piece of jewelry is also an ornamental device which provides the wearer a means to exercise her pubococcygeus muscle.

A condom including three layers, first and third layers which are of elastomeric material with a second layer sandwiched between the first and third layers including a colorless, air sensitive material. When the colorless, air sensitive material is exposed to air because of a rupture in said first or third layers of said condom, the colorless, air sensitive material changes color to alert the user that the integrity of the condom is compromised.

A guard adapted to prevent the bed clothing from coming in contact with the generative organs of a man’s body while asleep or when lying at rest, particularly those afflicted with spermatorrhea; it being well known that in aggravated cases the warmth of the bed clothing against such parts, and particularly friction of the clothing, produces seminal emissions, a cure of which can only be effected by preventing the causes.

An electrically conductive condom comprising a thin, protective sheath having an open end for receiving a penis therein and an opposite closed end, said sheath being made from an elastic, electrically conductive material, which passes electrical energy there-through, for increasing sensitivity with respect to adjacent nerve endings of at least one of a penis and a vagina of a human body.

A force-sensitive sound-playing condom which plays a melody or voiced message when, during intercourse, the contacts of the sound-playing unit are closed and the transducer is activated.

A “Y” shaped tubular apparatus with each of the three arms of the apparatus containing a flexible member. The apparatus is both extendable in width and length with each arm rotatably adjustable and affixed at two ends with adjustable cuffs for securing the apparatus to the user at the ankles. One end of the extendable arm is capable of quick adaptation to a variety of intravaginal appliances.




So? Genius? Lunacy? Comedy? Tragedy? Much needed improvements? Fiascos waiting to happen? You and your private parts can decide.

Hope you enjoyed.

This quote is taken from the introduction for the book, The Particle Explosion by Frank Close, Michael Marten, and Christine Sutton. It continues as follows:

Quote: “If atoms could speak, what a tale they would tell. Some of the carbon atoms in the ink on this page may have once been part of a dinosaur. Their atomic nuclei may have arrived in cosmic rays, having been fused from hydrogen and helium in distant, extinct stars. But whatever their various histories may be, one thing is certain. Most of their basic constituents, the fundamental particles—the electrons and quarks—have existed since the primordial Big Bang at the start of time. In recent years, physicists have learned to make these particles in the laboratory, and by studying them, they hope to learn about the origin of the Universe.”

Published in 1987 the book is a historical overview (aimed at the layman) of the field of particle physics, from its beginnings in the 1890’s straight through to the time of the book’s writing, the mid-eighties. It is good stuff if I may say so.

One of my favorite aspects of the book are the false color images of particle events as recorded in bubble and cloud chambers. Images of these events are always fascinating, not only because of their scientific implications but for their aesthetics as well. They are just plain ol’ beautiful to look at. In as much I wanted to share some of them with you.

The examples in this book aren’t actually the most beautiful particle event images I’ve come across (a matter of personal taste perhaps but it seems to me that if it’s possible for particles which have existed in some form since the beginning of time to look “dated” or “of a certain era” then these qualify) but they are handome in their way and interesting all the same. In keeping with the fanciful nature of the introductory quote above, I will not only include a brief scientific explanation of the events pictured but also an extrapolation as to just where the particles involved may have been residing at the time of the book’s publication.

Behold.

The particles in this event once dwelled in a nose hair. The hair was knocked from said nose when an extremely irritated John Madden, distracted from an afternoon session of diagraming defensive plays for his Oakland Raiders by the incessant beepings of the Atari game Missile Command, strode from his office, into the living room, and roughly clapped his son on the back of the head. Boom!

The particles shown here were once part of a tiny chunk of foam which was dislodged from the muppet Beaker’s nose by an errant fly fishing lure. The errant lure was cast by a drug addled puppeteer who rather than paying attention to the task at hand was instead gawking at the soundtrack album artwork for John Lennon’s Imagine, on which the cover caricature’s hair was being swept back by a hallucinatory wind.

On Halloween night, 1986, a teenage boy attended a party dressed as the cartoon singer Jem. The party was held at a run down discotheque called Synergy off of the Jersey Turnpike and the main attraction, other than the peppermint schnapps and eyedropper full of acid he’d smuggled in, was the special “Frankie Goes to Hollywood” laser light show. The particles seen here were once part of his retina.

The particles in the event pictured here were once contained in a dollop of antibacterial ointment. The ointment had been applied to the bandages of a burn victim, who, on his way home from an auction where he’d purchased the original umbrella used by Julie Andrews in Marry Poppins, got caught in a heavy downpour. Unable to resist the temptation, he opened the Marry Poppins umbrella which was promptly turned inside out by a gust of wind and blown, with him still grasping it covetously, into a downed power line.

In 1983, in a lovely furnished basement in suburban Ohio, a ritual was preformed by three teenagers hoping to become members of the local chapter of the Church of Satan. The ritual called for the following ingredients to be combined in a silver chalice: the veins of Nicolai Tesla’s left nut, the spinal fluid of a seasoned Deadhead, a crumpled Old Testament page containing the verse Exodus 3:2, and an electric currant from a car battery. The particles in the event seen here were scooped into bags by the local volunteer fire department.

One of the protons pictured here was at some point contained in the tiny section of black ink which described the shape of Charlie Brown’s famously anemic tree on the Betamax sleeve of A Charlie Brown Christmas. Coincidentally the other protons were contained in the sleeve of the VHS version.

Left: The particles pictured here were once contained in a bit of paper pulp, which was itself once part of a crumpled and cast aside first draft of an attempted reworking of the famous Hitchcock profile logo for the television show The New Alfred Hitchcock Presents. Right: The electrons here once existed in a scab on Stevie Ray Vaughn’s fingertip.

After having their minds altered by a mysterious 5-dimensional being calling himself The Fuse, the Green Lantern and Iron Man were training their energy beams on one another in a forced battle to the death. At exactly the moment their beams were about to cross (an act whose explosive force would have decimated the entire city) an unfortunate daddy long-legs spider, set adrift on cluster of windborne dandelion seeds, came between them, inadvertently braking The Fuse’s hold and saving the city. The particles pictured in this image once took up residence in the braincells I would have used to formulate an idea for this paragraph, had I not destroyed them one afternoon in 1987 sniffing super-glue.

The particles here were at one point part of a microscopic shaving from Joan Miró‘s palette knife. The shaving was chipped loose during an altercation at a cocktail party in which he, and a young Ralph Steadman, engaged in a gentleman’s duel (palette knife vs. rapidograph) over the issue of which was a nobler creature, the squid or the sailfish. 

Amongst the birds there is a legend, chirped to hatchlings at night, about a bloodthirsty and merciless Buttonquail whose nest was lined with a thousand bird legs, torn violently from the bodies of a thousand naughty chicks. The particles pictured here were not from said Buttonquail, but from the nest of a disturbed parrot named Lugo who could only be sexually excited when perching on the carcass of a dead stickbug.

“If atoms could speak, what a tale they would tell.” Indeed.

Hope you enjoyed.