list #1
we recently received a request in our comments section to post more content by our friend, the late, great, matthew monteleone. well as luck would have it just last weekend i did indeed come across another bit of content he had a hand in. what follows was not written entirely by matt but rather compiled by him. it is titled simply list #1 and it’s an exhaustive gathering of euphemisms for masturbation culled from the good children of cornwall new york. i’m sure more than one member of this site contributed to this list in one way or another but it was matt’s tireless efforts which made it a reality. enjoy. oh! and a “do not drink while reading” warning is in effect for this post. don’t want any unfortunate milk out the nostrils scenarios playing out here.
1. wanking
2. choke the chicken
3. jerking off
4. spanking it
5. stroking it
6. swelling the peachy dome
7. releasing the hostages
8. windsurfing on mount baldy
9. pocket pool
10. smacking st. peter
11. spanking the puppy
12. banging the cowbell
13. rockin’ the casbah
14. slapping the bishop
15. polishing the nob
16. launching the skiff
17. shaking hands with telly sevalas
18. greeting the auctioneer
19. poppin’ the hood
20. freein’ willy
21. taking lessons from a private tutor
22. letting people out of the tent
23. cleaning the litterbox
24. spilling the milk
25. getting interviewed by montel
26. conquering the gladiator
27. waltzing with the barber
28. digging for gold
29. swimming the english channel
30. riding the rocketship to wonderland
31. carbon dating the shroud of turin
32. christening the shaft
33. dorking off
34. making sparks in the dark
35. leafin’ through the phonebook
36. cycling with salman rushdie
37. jiggling the handle
38. parking in front of a fire hydrant
39. holding the pickles
40. singing in the shower
41. invading poland
42. pulling out the corkscrew on your swiss army penis
43. heating up the leftover meatloaf
44. pushing the toast down again
45. putting the lemon in the iced tea
46. renovating the summer home
47. weed-whacking custer’s grave
48. cleaning the pipes
49. looking for mr. goodwrench
50. flipping the turtle on it’s back
51. calling the bugman
52. paying for brendan’s college
53. applying for a loan
54. plugging in the electric rawhide toaster slinky
55. stealing the buns from cumberland
56. expanding westward
57. kissing babies with oliver north
58. dropping off wes
59. bowlin’ a spare
60. sitting on the ball polisher
61. talking to the meat vendor
62. negotiating with alan thicke
63. diving for sunken treasure
64. shaving blackbeard the pirate
65. rescuing the swiss family robinson
66. falling into the basement
67. tickling trotsky
68. hosing down mr. salonsky
69. fallin’ off the train
70. having the speilberg’s over for dinner
71. unhooding the jawa
72. gripping the monorail of love
73. tappan zee bridge
74. dustin hoffman
75. robbing the cheese car
76. singing with the barbershop quartet
77. anchoring the news
78. harboring the fugitive
79. assasinating lincoln
80. crossing the mason-dixon
81. riding the pony express with harriet tubman
82. smuggling a slave
83. bombing hiroshima
84. getting saddam hussein out of kuwait
85. adjusting the volume
86. smoking with charlemagne
87. playing pool at missy’s summer house in coxsackie
88. railsliding your pants
89. punishing the gerbil
90. punching john travolta
91. calling the maytag repairman
92. going behind the iron curtain
93. driving grandma through the bedroom
94. having a catch with sandy kofax
95. playing with the bearded lady
96. scraping the lint from the dryer
97. flogging the nigger
98. getting self-serve at the mobil station
99. fondling cabin boy
100. parting the red sea
101. duct-taping jesus to the cross
102. blowing the horn
103. boinking the bingo man
104. tipping over the gimp
105. massaging the revolving donkey
106. stuffing the backpack with baby heads
107. riding the seesaw with oprah winfrey
108. slapping geraldo’s donahue
109. greasing maury povitch
110. cleaning the sistine chapel
111. buying a wheelchair for stalin
112. throwing up in the pork store
113. playing pogs with bucky theis
114. riding horses with kimmy greaves
115. spreading salad dressing on pataki
116. swimming in velveeta
117. neutering bob barker
118. shaving the weinerdog
119. checking connie chung’s oil
120. calling hoffman a nazi
121. ernest borgnein’s eyepatch
122. playing catch with sandy duncan’s glass eye
123. squeezing the lemon meringue pie
124. raging against the machine
125. whipping the family ferret
126. taking prozac with tom jones
127. digging for gold in guam
128. jumping rope with mussolini
129. stroking the wolf boy
130. mixing drinks with a yak
131. cultivating rice with ricardo montaban
132. beating the midget
133. killing the chipmunk
134. probing patty poole
135. backing the ups truck over pavarotti
136. unravelling the butter
137. frolicking in the andes
138. varnishing bob villa
139. giving captain pickard a shoe-wedgie
140. my name is amago montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.
141. inflating queen elizabeth
142. eating bacos with darth vader
143. inserting a donkey
144. making origami with hitler
145. putting the remote control ham percolator in rerun’s pants
146. tenderizing the bloated sandwich
147. pile-driving castro’s bananas
148. starsky and hutch
149. getting the power from greyskull
150. forming voltron
151. smurfing
152. transforming optimus prime
153. breaking your wookie
154. stuffing ghandi
155. getting meathead out of archie’s chair
156. jogging with nell carter
157. driving kitt
158. exposing the evil michael knight
159. stretching webster
160. molesting dudley
161. rollerskating with tootie
162. squeezing the grapes of wrath
163. cutting the bonzai tree
164. waxing ralph machio’s aardvark
165. shampooing khadaffi
166. making jello with ywinwie malmstein
167. making porkbutter with the amish
168. choking geiser
169. raving with sestock
170. sestocking geiser
171. burking sestock
172. blaspheming meatloaf
173. drinking crisco with burl ives
174. paying mr. furley his rent
175. defacing ronnie blair memorial hall
176. getting cross examined by tom bosley
177. driving the white bronco
178. welcoming back kotter.
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saying goodbye to hip hop?
it seems a cultural truism at that at some point every person, no matter how young at heart, no matter how attentive, finds themselves out of step with current tastes. as a youngster you saw old folks walking down the street, their wardrobes frozen in time, archeological curiosities like insects in amber. flipping through your parent’s record collection you first mined the odd gems, then scoffed because the source was tapped and you knew it would never be updated. if you were astute you could have checked the jackets and saw the exact year that they gave up trying to stay current. in the past few years i have noticed a change in myself, how hard it is for me to find a decent record, how the names attached to the faces in magazines escape me, how the whole landscape of popular culture seems the be blurring together into an unrecognizable mass. at some point in the recent past i was evidently ejected from my cozy target audience chair. i fear my own amber encasement is imminent.
an evolutionary shift in my relationship with music is what first alarmed me to the onslaught of agedness. i’ve always bought a lot of music. it has been omnipresent in my life. from sitting by the radio to record inspector gadget, paid in full, love bazaar, or the occasional keith sweat track off wbls as a lad, to the obsessive mix-tape creation replete with meticulous original cover art and obscure interludes, to the backpack crammed full of cassettes for any possible mood, to the pot and acid fueled radio shack mixer sessions, to shit-faced basement sing-alongs and commando style stereo takeovers at parties. music has always been an integral part of my day to day existence and i was always in search of something new. in the last couple of years, however, the ratio of hit to miss in my musical searching has flip flopped drastically. my buying habit continues unabated, but the results are disheartening. where as once i could swing through a record store, picking up titles i’d never even heard of, and return home with a some real gems, now, finding an album that can even hold my attention through one listen, let alone get played twice is a major accomplishment. no where is this alarming state of affairs more apparent than in our cultural 300 lb gorilla hip-hop.
i’ve often wondered what would become of those of us that grew up during the birth of hip hop. would we all end up as wrinkled old codgers wearing kangols, listening to epmd during group time at the rest home? would television retrospectives celebrating our generation feature grainy video footage of biz markie or doug e fresh beatboxing? will the mall play muzak versions of self destruction or my philosophy or night of the living baseheads in the early morning for our power walking pleasure? i realize now that what we were all so enthralled by will not be remembered as hip hop at all, just as we old coots will not be thought of as the generation connected to it. we are now knee deep in what will truly be remembered. this empty, corny, shiny, skilless, pop amalgam of r&b and rap. that’s what will be beside the encyclopedia entry for hip hop. cavoicier rather than st. ides. diamond encrusted watches rather than 4 finger rings and dookie gold. the kids out there now, the icy hot stuntaz of the world, will be thought of as the true hip hop generation, and looking at the state of things, perhaps that’s a blessing.
to quote pretty toney himself, a.k.a. ghostface “there’s not too many jewels being dropped these day. everyone wants to shake their ass. i call the club the devil’s box. hip-hop is at an all-time low. it’s sad. it’s going nowhere but down. we’re living out the last days, the last two pages of the bible. brothers don’t really know what’s going on. babies with guns. hip-hop is falling the fuck off.” indeed, oh poet of the fur coat and platinum fronts, hip hop is falling the fuck off.
i realize that as a 30 year old white guy who sits at a computer all day adding to the crushing mediocrity of the world i ought to have given up on hip hop by now, the way those pathetic hippies discarded rock and roll, pot, and free love for disco, coke, and the stock market, but as the cliche goes, old habits die hard. i still go out and browse the racks every couple of weeks looking for that release that will recapture even a single measure, a single breakbeat, a single verse of what i used to love so much. more often than not i’m disappointed. it seems that i will not be packing my things and leaving hip hop (“hip hop, you’ve changed, i feel like i don’t know you anymore!”), but rather it is leaving me for a younger fan. goodbye old friend, good bye. (sob)
so what will hip hop’s fate be? will it simply mutate into more and more watered down versions of itself like rock and roll? will it just completely fade off the cultural radar like jazz, relegated to coffee houses and old stalwart clubs? will it end up a ghost of music past haunting music halls, only making itself known to the living in film scores and on internet radio like classical? who knows? but as we all sit and age and wait for a new musical form to grip us, or alzheimerz, whichever comes first, we may as well enjoy what may be the last gasps of hip hops “greatest generation”. lately, and without any hoopla, some old favorites have released records, that if taken together with a precious few younger acts, can almost convince you that hip hop is not a festering maggot crammed corpse. these records are not fantastic from start to finish, but then few hip hop records ever have been. so to anyone who feels like i do, that they are getting old, that popular music is slipping away from them, check these records out while you wait for hip hop’s death rattle.
anyhow, don’t take my word for it, check out itunes or, for non ipod havin’ stuntaz, check out sandbox automatic to listen for yourselves.
p.s. two last recommendations. 1) for endless streaming goodness check out wefunk radio, picks up the torch of the much beloved stretch and bobbito show as well as, i suppose, any one can. 2) a heads up, citizen kane and chairman mao have released a second rare groove record, available at turntable lab or other music. any other recommendations meant to stave off a final pronouncement of death or the awful feeling of being a silly old fuddy duddy are welcomed!
oh yeah, and that thumbnail at the begining of the post… it’s from a poster called the history of rap which is for sale cheap.
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aw shit
finally! some truly intelligent, thoughtful, political analysis. ha ha ha. well, as stated i personally want to play the ignorance is bliss game for a while and focus on the things i love rather than the the things that annoy me. as such i was hesitant to post this, didn’t want any great debates waking me from my cozy slumber. until i read the site’s “about” that is. turns out this is art! i thought, “hey, i like art.” plus if i am going to childishly hold my hands over my ears going “lalalalalalala i can’t hear you lalala” then this type of artistic statement seems fitting. here it is madeyouthink.org. don’t know if being made to laugh stimulates deep thought exactly, but hey, a laugh itself is valuable. you can contact the artist if you’d like some free flags of your very own.
ya jingling baby
remember getting conned as a kid with those x-ray glasses ads in the back of your comics? mixed in among the “1000 army men” and “amazing sea monkeys” there was that one x-ray glasses ad that sent you into weird flights of 8 year old fantasy, imagining your teacher, or the librarian, or satan knows who laid bare before your awesome 1 dollar peeping power! muuuuhahaha! i can’t remember whether i was the skeptical sort even then or whether i just didn’t have a dollar to spare. in either case i never realized my x-ray dreams. the folks at london’s heathrow airport, however, are another story altogether. they have recently installed the first truly clothes (read: dignity) stripping x-ray machine and the results are pretty wild. click the thumbnail for a peep. maybe this technology will get the screeners to actually start paying attention?
the physicist caveman
don’t know if anyone noticed this story floating around but it just warms my cold black little heart. a man was found living in a cave inside the 40 square mile grounds of the los alamos nuclear weapons research facility. the cave was tricked out with solar power, a sealed glass door, and… whoopsie, 10 pot plants. i love this fucking guy, but not just becuase he was a caveman / hermit type, i love him for his stated reasons for choosing the los alamos location. evidently he wanted to get the attention of scientists working on the most complex cosmological problems of the universe and introduce them to his unifying theory. fucking awesome. his name’s roy michael moore and you can check out some of his theories on one of his many websites. his latest works, “an anwer” to a recent book published called dark matter, missing planets & new comets, and new arguments about the speed of gravity, can be found there, just for starters. ha! did i mention i love this fucking guy?
the electrified centenarian
somehow amidst all the political hoopla i missed the centennial of the new york subway system. you’d think seeing as how i ride the thing damn near every day it would have been called to my attention somewhere along the way. blank stares? check. total disregard for rules of foot traffic? check. parasitic over the shoulder newspaper reading? thermostat set to “hades?” dr. zizmor ads? check, check, check. a giant flashing sign that reads your subway system is now 100 years old, so stop glaring hatefully at the guy with his giant backpack in your face and feel free to romanticize about your beloved subway’s long and storied history! nope. with that in mind i’ve rounded up a whole slew of subway related links for your reading / viewing / romanticizing pleasure. enjoy.
stories-
if the subway had never been?
true but strange. “little moments, the minor triumphs, epiphanies and turning points that are almost forgotten.”
a few questions for a historian.
opening day. “History was being made the day the subway opened, and everyone in NewYork knew it.”
finding beauty underground. ” A ride on the subway is not usually what one considers an aesthetically pleasing experience…”
the subway crush. “...in reality, I never said a word.”
paging dr. zizmor “an a to z of the subway.”
multimedia-
newsday’s story of the subway. includes audio and video presentations.
subway art “new york’s underground treasures.” an audio piece from npr.
riding alone. “remembering riding the subway, alone, at nine years old.” npr audio.
celebrating the subway in film and song. image gallery and a bunch of audio.
new york underground via pbs. (check out the technology timeline)
not really multimedia, but check out this little info graphic.
subway art-
nyc trains graffiti from the mid 80’s.
graffiti @149th street history including dondi, the fabulous 5ive, the fantastic partners, the death squad, and iz the wiz.
art for transit a guide to all commissioned subway station art, organized by subway line. also includes lirr, metro-north, and bridge/tunnel.
canal st. station scan the interview with mike combs from earlier this month and try to solve the puzzle.
sites-
nyc subway great site. sections include, historical development, maps, cars and yards, and subway tech, among others.
forgotten new york has a nice section devoted to subways and trains. really neat stuff. esspecially liked checking out the ride as it was in 1907, and the 1930’s. endless cool “forgotten” history here.
also of note is the abandoned stations site which collects photos of long closed destinations. very cool. urban archeology.
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the great divide
i feel as if the election has shaken the web out of its digital shoes. everywhere i go there are sites which have not been updated in days, or which alternately are filled with links about emigration. i for one made a pact with myself that no matter the result, i wanted a reprieve, and would do my best to not seek out bad news, but rather, simply take a gander at it when i happened upon it. i still intend to do that, however, in amidst the internet wreckage i came across what i thought was an interesting bit of analysis. a book, offered free online, called the great divide. it’s about the cultural and political landscape we find ourselves in, but at bottom it’s a recommendation for better marketing and “stateegery” to get the democratic party back in the game. it may be simplistic in certain ways (separating the country into two camps retro and metro) but it still rings true, and i found much of it very interesting. there’s lot’s of other stuff worth checking out at the site as well. give it a look.
deconstructing lichtenstein
i’ve never really had much of an opinion one way or another about the pop-art-saint roy lichtenstein. if pressed i’d most likely lean toward an “eh” with an accompanying shrug. perhaps, as is often said of all sorts of pop artifacts, it’s the shifted context which kept me from ever feeling much interest in his work. you know, the ol’ “now we are used to such things, but if you could have seen it when it came out!” anyhow, i came across some images from a project called, well, the lichtenstein project. a guy named david barsalou, a die hard lichtenstein fan, went through over 30,000 old comics to trace roy’s source material. he then cropped the images and made large scale digital prints which he displayed at a Massachusetts gallery. i’m really surprised at how directly they were copied in many cases, cropping aside. i have to say, all in all, i prefer the originals. as for the thumbnail above, well, i couldn’t resist. click on it to see the real thing.
it seems a cultural truism at that at some point every person, no matter how young at heart, no matter how attentive, finds themselves out of step with current tastes. as a youngster you saw old folks walking down the street, their wardrobes frozen in time, archeological curiosities like insects in amber. flipping through your parent’s record collection you first mined the odd gems, then scoffed because the source was tapped and you knew it would never be updated. if you were astute you could have checked the jackets and saw the exact year that they gave up trying to stay current. in the past few years i have noticed a change in myself, how hard it is for me to find a decent record, how the names attached to the faces in magazines escape me, how the whole landscape of popular culture seems the be blurring together into an unrecognizable mass. at some point in the recent past i was evidently ejected from my cozy target audience chair. i fear my own amber encasement is imminent.
remember getting conned as a kid with those x-ray glasses ads in the back of your comics? mixed in among the “1000 army men” and “amazing sea monkeys” there was that one x-ray glasses ad that sent you into weird flights of 8 year old fantasy, imagining your teacher, or the librarian, or satan knows who laid bare before your awesome 1 dollar peeping power! muuuuhahaha! i can’t remember whether i was the skeptical sort even then or whether i just didn’t have a dollar to spare. in either case i never realized my x-ray dreams. the folks at london’s heathrow airport, however, are another story altogether. they have recently installed the first truly clothes (read: dignity) stripping x-ray machine and the results are pretty wild. click the thumbnail for a peep. maybe this technology will get the screeners to actually start paying attention?
don’t know if anyone noticed this story floating around but it just warms my cold black little heart. a man was found living in a cave inside the 40 square mile grounds of the los alamos nuclear weapons research facility. the cave was tricked out with solar power, a sealed glass door, and… whoopsie, 10 pot plants. i love this fucking guy, but not just becuase he was a caveman / hermit type, i love him for his stated reasons for choosing the los alamos location. evidently he wanted to get the attention of scientists working on the most complex cosmological problems of the universe and introduce them to his unifying theory. fucking awesome. his name’s roy michael moore and you can check out some of his theories on one of his many websites. his latest works, “an anwer” to a recent book published called dark matter, missing planets & new comets, and new arguments about the speed of gravity, can be found there, just for starters. ha! did i mention i love this fucking guy?
i’ve never really had much of an opinion one way or another about the pop-art-saint roy lichtenstein. if pressed i’d most likely lean toward an “eh” with an accompanying shrug. perhaps, as is often said of all sorts of pop artifacts, it’s the shifted context which kept me from ever feeling much interest in his work. you know, the ol’ “now we are used to such things, but if you could have seen it when it came out!” anyhow, i came across some images from a project called, well, the lichtenstein project. a guy named david barsalou, a die hard lichtenstein fan, went through over 30,000 old comics to trace roy’s source material. he then cropped the images and made large scale digital prints which he displayed at a Massachusetts gallery. i’m really surprised at how directly they were copied in many cases, cropping aside. i have to say, all in all, i prefer the originals. as for the thumbnail above, well, i couldn’t resist. click on it to see the real thing.