this morning i woke up and walked into my living room with it’s bay windows only to be struck with horror. outside were trillions of white things swirling around in a terrifyingly chaotic barrage. they filled the air and piled up over everything like a thick white blanket. i was stunned; filled with a panic bordering on madness. what in god’s name were they? a swarm of insect-like aliens dropping from the sky to devour earth with their white pincers? a new biological weapon let loose upon new york?! there were no people on the streets. were those white lumps on the sidewalk concealing fallen new yorkers underneath? were they being devoured? was this the end of the world?

in my horror i began tearing at my hair and wailing. i loaded my pistol while tears streamed down my cheeks. they wouldn’t take me or my kittens alive! in a moment of lucidity i turned on the television to see if a signal was still coming through… perhaps the emergency broadcasting system would be sounding… perhaps surviving government officials would be offering instructions… well… all i can say is thank god for the t.v. news! for six straight hours i sat rapt while they explained to me that the white stuff was called “snow” and that it sometimes fell from the sky during a period they called “winter.” they talked of nothing else. i put my pistol away and kissed the television screen. thank you t.v. news, whatever would i do without you?