Well, I haven’t posted in a while. Been beat to hell for a couple of weeks, too tired to shovel the driveway. But here’s something I just got to get off my chest: I can’t help but wonder who named some of these foods. The tweedledum and tweedledee, so to speak, of absurdist portmanteau food names, if you ask me (and you didn’t) are: turducken and tofurkey. These are compressed from the names of the ingredients, so: turducken is a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken, and tofurkey is tofu made to imitate turkey.
I can’t let pass without comment any food that starts with ‘turd.’ I can’t. I won’t. Maybe next year I’ll turn 14 and outgrow such things, but it didn’t happen last year, nor the year before that, nor the decade before that…
So, I now nominate the new portmanteau recipes, based not on palatability but purely on my own whim. And, no, I’ll not make any jokes about any sort of ‘balls,’ because Saturday Night Live and South Park got that covered, thank you very much.
To warm up, let’s go oriental/american. An open-faced sandwich containing shiitake mushrooms will henceforth be known as a shiit-faced sandwich.
A chicken, inside a duck, encased in tofu, will be tofucken.
A mynah bird, stuffed with donkey meat, served in succotash, will be sucmyass.
Collard greens with onions and leeks will be called colonleeks.
If, instead of wine, you serve chicken in mountain dew and snickerdoodles, it should be coq-au-doodle-dew. If it’s on a stick, encased in hard candy, it shall be a coq-sucker.
Raw steak served in a mix of tartar sauce, dental scrapings, and bitumen, shall be tartartartartar tartare. Crab rangoon with champagne and a poo-poo platter shall be crab cham-poo (ask your pharmacist). Caramel chameleon is pretty self-explanatory.
Irish sausages wrapped in virginia ham will be virgin bangers. If you wrapped Irish sausages in boston butt, you’d get boston butt bangers, but that would just be silly. Hmm, if you encase the bangers in lady fingers, you get lady fingerbangers. I guess you just can’t go wrong with bangers, eh?
If you seasoned angel hair with a cumin sauce, and baked it in a pie, that’d give you cumin hairpie.
A pumpkin, stuffed with yams, mangos, and mayonnaise, is pumpyamama.
Flan and treacle make feacle. Flan with artichoke makes fartichoke.
Shite and onions will still be shite and onions, but there shall be a restaurant in new york city which caters to a ‘very select clientele’ and offers it at $150 a plate (it’s excreted by supermodels, you know). And busted ravioli is not a food, strictly speaking, thought that doesn’t keep people from trying to eat it.
Two very promising recipes failed to make the cut: van johnson is made simply by smearing one’s johnson with vanilla ice cream, but testing was halted after a painful neck injury. Van dyke, a related recipe, also led to a halt in testing, after a painful groin injury (and a restraining order).
Most mixed drinks already have ridiculous names, so there’s no sport in that; but it’s worth remembering that smirnoff vodka in your egg nog would make it smeg nog.
Hors d’oeuvres, we’ve all heard of; but why must we pronounce it ‘or durvz’? Either ‘horse doovers’ or ‘whore’s devours’ would be an improvement.
And just to show that there’s nothing a human can do that the internets can’t do more gooder, here’s an automatic
disgusting food generator, a page of molecules with silly names, and more people ranting about disgusting foods and combined words.